Welcome to Applebee’s! Can I take your order or do you need a few minutes to reflect on the mistakes you made in life that led you here?
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Why do we call it tunafish? Is there any other tuna out there that’s not a fish?!!?
If you are dissolving someone in a vat it’s no longer an acid problem, it’s an acid solution.
I wish I knew how to fix America like everyone else on Twitter.
Kids’ clothes really need clearer labels stating when they are made of “scratchy stuff” or the printed size is “not true” or they are “too purple.”
Who called it laughing gas and not comical weapon?
coworker: you alright?
me: my lunch isn’t agreeing with me.
my lunch: global warming is a myth
Flight attendant: Is anyone on board a doctor?
Me: No, I’m on board a plane haha
Man having a heart attack: ok I’m ready to die now
[waffle house]
Waitress: how do u like your eggs
Me: hatched and with their families
W: no how do u like them cooked
M: [spits out coffee]
legolas: you have my bow
gimli: and my axe
[everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
me: you may have a SMALL bite
“Long story short” makes your story three words longer.
i’m sure it’s fine
App: This app would like to use your location.
Me: NOT NOW I’M SITTIN’ ON THE TOILET!!
For parents, college is the opposite of kidnapping. They demand $100,000 from you or they’ll send your kid back.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m at 6%
professor x: oh yeah you can definitely use my charger
Hubby got all smug when our son asked him for girl advice so I confirmed that if he wants to bag a girl like me then daddy’s the man for the job and shut that shit down
I need a button in Zoom meetings where it just freezes my screen and makes it look like I’m having network issues
I have no idea how the cavemen could afford to eat paleo.
A starfish has five arms.
An anablep has four eyes.
An octopus has three hearts.And you’ve got two faces.
Lost my chapstick today, but a few hours later I found one on the floor of a men’s room at an interstate rest-area. Looks like my luck is finally turning around.
A British person will be slightly insulted by someone, not say anything, nurture a lingering resentment, patiently bide their time, and eventually, in an unrelated conversation with the person years later, will remark, “that’s typical of you.” Usually across a dining table.
Fun thing to say to your neighbors on the first meeting: I love the way your hair smells when you’re sleeping.
NAZI: Some of us Nazis got hurt too
ME: Thoughts and bears
NAZI: Don’t you mean “thoughts and pra–
ME *releasing grizzly bear*: Nope
doctor: your blood tests came back positive
me: oh thank god, I have real blood
Whoever coined the term sticktoitiveness really got away with some bullshit there
*sinks into depression*
Depression: “Wrong hole.”
[gets out of tanning bed with a grilled cheese sandwich]
I feel melancoll, meloncholl, melancholl, meloncholy, you know what, I’m good.
It finally happened: someone asked me where the library was in Spanish. I’ve been training for this since high school.
Got Fired by the Zoo for Teaching all the Sloths Tai Chi
When my Internet is down for more than 2 minutes, I assume Western civilization has collapsed so I start looting.