My kids started calling me boss today, so now I have the painful task of figuring out which one I’m going to have to let go.
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crochet youtube is brutal
Boyfriend: I’m home! (looks into garbage can) Hey. Did you eat like five candy bars today?
Me: AM I UNDER INVESTIGATION HERE!?*
*i did
tried to blow dust off my phone and spat all over it
so yeah, i’m adorable
Please, my pastrami on rye. It’s very sick.
My 4-year-old asked me what my name was when I was a kid and she was not ready for the wild coincidence when I told her I was also named Kristen as a child
Enthusiasm 1 – 0 Judgement
Parenthood is so weird. I don’t know why I say thank you to my 3yo every time she gives me her booger.
*writing résumé*
Strengths? I’m great at multitasking
*explosion in kitchen*
My popcorn!
*car crashes through fence*
I forgot I was driving!
The amount of things I charge in the evening is why I’ll be the first to go in next apocalypse
Y’all I saw eyes in the forest on my walk tonight and got kind of scared until I used my flashlight and now I’m DYING
If you see me longingly looking at you at the pub, i’m just wondering if you’re going to eat all those nachos?
My daughter saw my mascara brand was called better than sex and asked what that meant so I said it meant better than secretaries cause they write and holy shit pray for me she doesn’t google it.
*Mom makes me take out the garbage*
*Garbage and I begin to date*
*I start taking things too fast*
*Garbage dumps me*
“We’re up all night to get Loki” -Daft Punk feat. The Avengers
Who called baby elephants calves and not inphants
Daughter likes bananas.
Daughter likes banana bread.
Daughter won’t eat this banana bread because it tastes too much like bananas.
Meanwhile, at School:
Teacher- “How much is a gram?”
Laure- “Depends on what you want”
Teacher- “Out, just get out”
#YouOwnedHimDude
me: *wistful* what if you could go back in time and relive a delightful meal with a loved one?
him: is it leftovers again?
me: it’s leftovers again.
I just read a book about Stockholm Syndrome. It was terrible at first but by the end I kind of liked it.
you gotta kiss a lot of frogs before you find one that’s a good kisser
Snorting hot chocolate powder thru a hollowed out candy cane at my desk because Cheryl said I wasn’t “showing enough holiday spirit.”
Every night when you sleep,I sneak into your house, full of desire.
I then reduce the amount of marshmallowy treats in your cereal&go home.
I love when my friends start selling weight loss shakes because that’s one less person I ever have to talk to again.
OH. WE’RE HALFWAY THERE. WHOA OH. PIGEONS WITH NICE HAIR.
gf: that guy hit on me, make him pay
me: [to guy] u need to buy our drinks
promising I won’t get too involved in my son’s little league game but it’s the second inning and I just told the umpire to lawyer up
Every piece of cake
Every cookie you take
Every bite of steak
I’ll be watching youDogs
After 7 years of training in the medical fields & hard work,a very good friend of mine was fired after one minor indiscretion.He slept with a client&can now no longer work in the profession.What a waste.A genuinely nice guy&an absolutely brilliant mortician.