My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
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I called my pet rock Stoney, until one day it flew out the front door and hit a car that ran over my mailbox, now the police call it Evidence.
Me: Ma’am your pet is loud.
Lady: That’s my baby.
Me: Ma’am your pet baby is loud
Keep an eye on the horizon. (I‘m sending a homing pigeon with a fruit roll-up)
If I ever ask you, very seductively, “Do you wanna do it?”
It means take a nap.
I really wish I could hug some of you and maybe set fire to a few of you.
We interrupt this moment of self-isolation to focus on my withdrawals & strained relationship with my local bakery.
I need a bathtub filled with chicken nuggets.
No time for questions.
I would rather lie there and accept death than try to get out of a hammock while anyone is watching me.
I’m being held hostage in the front room by the cat guarding a slow worm in the kitchen 😱
want me to check your oil?
“Is that a serial killer downstairs or just my pet?”
– the fun game that all cat owners get to play at 3am
Warring nations should hurl their politicians at each other.
My 10 year-old nephew is learning about Argentina, so I told him about all the great wines they make down there, and this, my friends, is how you get out of after-school pickups.
You know what I hate? People who say the secret ingredient is love.
NO IT’S NOT, SHARON. IT’S SMOKED PAPRIKA
My wife and I toss a coin to settle our arguments. If the coin comes down, she wins, if it stays suspended in air forever, I win.
My husband has entered the “fun socks” years.
Words I heard most when I ran errands with my dad:
Wait in the truck
I like a bird with purpose. One walking quickly as though late to a business meeting. No time to trifle with you, ma’am.
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you
Me: is it because make up phrases
Girlfriend: yes
Me: well the spider didn’t warm the egg for it just to hatch
Girlfriend: I have no idea what you’re talking about
bank robber: ok listen up this is a robbery, everybody be cool [to me] take off those sunglasses
me: first of all, i can’t do both
[Genie] Last wish idiot, impress me.
[Me] I want Morgan Freeman to narrate my eulogy [drops dead]
[Morgan Freeman] He was an idiot.
I have a fold up treadmill under my fold up bed, so by the time I get the treadmill set up, I’m like “That’s enough exercise for today”
I mostly keep friendships going because they have my good Tupperware
Pastor: For better, for worse?
Husbands: Sure.
P: In sickness and in health?
H: Yep.
P: Till death do you part?
H: I do.
P: And also she’s going to want some of your fries even if she doesn’t order her own.
H: Hang on … what?
BOSS: Ok, so we’ve decided we’re definitely going to call our new product yogert. Has anyone got any thoughts on the spelling?
ROBHURT: yeh
windows 8: i got some updates
me: cool
windows: i have to restart
me: okay not now
windows: im going to
me: please dont
windows: lol
I know this intervention is serious business but I see absolutely no snacks here.
I have zero sexual interest in you
you’re not Peter Dinklage
The 30 mins before I start my kid’s bedtime routine are the longest 3 hours of my day