You’re not going to believe this, but I was doing really well, and then your email found me.
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me: can i buy animal crossing
mom: you can hang out with the raccoons in our garbage for free
Me: What kind of tools do I need to make a cake?
Him: The fact that you’re calling ingredients tools means u shouldnt be in charge of this.
“I don’t want to see the movie until I read the book first” is why I’ve never watched a movie in my life
I’m trying to like people but boy oh boy do they make it hard.
Watching Jaws with my 6 year old because I’m sick of going to the beach
Having a tattoo in a hidden place is really just entertainment for the coroner.
I’m about to go on a 6 day trip with 130 teenagers, including a 21 hour bus trip in each direction. Send thoughts, prayers, Monster, and bourbon.
My professor handed back our 3 page film essays to my surprise I got a C after class I asked her why “you were supposed to write it about the movie The Emperor of Time.. you wrote it on The Emperor’s new Groove but it was kinda good so I didn’t fail you” so thats how im doing
*wakes up*
*looks at clock*7:42 am
*gets out of bed*
*remembers it’s Saturday*
*smiles*
*lies back down*Dog: “Oh good, you’re up!”
No one is more ambitious than a mom with a single day off.
*walks away from an explosion in slow motion
*walks right into another explosion in slow motion
The second cup of coffee does for me what a can of spinach does for Popeye.
[in a getaway car]
robber: what are you wearing i said come in a mask
me (taking cucumber slice off my eye): do you not see this mud?
I assume anyone sitting alone in a car in the dark corner of a grocery store parking lot is waiting to meet a hitman who is running late.
Last night I was walking Bizzy, and a friendly stranger asked how old she was. When I told him, he said: “She don’t walk like she’s 15 though!!!” I…I think he catcalled my dog?
National Donut Day is like The Purge for delicious, round pastries.
“I left my carrot cake from the restaurant in the Uber” and other sad tales of city living.
I always keep a gun in my pocket so people won’t think I’m happy to see them.
“Then it’s agreed. We’ll meet back in this same place in 10 years.” -Me to some dishes in my sink
Never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry.
Also, don’t go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
Do you know what happens after 8 tequila shots?
Me neither.
The worst part about being a grown man is no one will give you piggyback rides.
Boss asked if I was ready for more responsibility. I’m eating around a sticker on an apple cause I’m too lazy to peel it off so I guess no.
Curious that it’s always a female computer voice that calmly announces self-destruct sequences and other violent disasters.
“Dad, you called me my brother’s name.”
I’m sorry *30 second pause* little dude.
you ever be washing a spoon and it wash u back?
FRED: right
Why, yes, I am dressed for the weather.
I am wearing a house.
Leaned over to give my dog a kiss and he lifted his paw to shake hands, I’ve been friendzoned by my dog
I’ll leave a to-do list on the table in case any of you stalkers get bored.