Honey, were out of snake food.
“What? For what snake?”
Honey, I bought a snake
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My 4yo just said “is life a dream because it doesn’t make sense” and I suspect he’s right
Despite being terrified of alligators, I’ve taken a job at the Florida Everglades just so I can tell people I’ve been swamped at work all week.
The Count of Monte Cristo is my favourite book about French Sesame Street.
Lucy in the Sky with Some Splainin’ to Do.
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum!
The kids were being so annoying at bedtime last night, I threatened to take them back in time and put them to bed early.
Teacher: define “impossible”
Me: no can do
Teacher: correct. and can you explain what “skepticism” is?
Me: doubt it
Teacher: excellent! and “agnosticism”?
Me: I have no idea
Teacher: amazing
Have friends in your life that can text you things like ‘I’m playing with fire’ and you’re unsure if they’re using a metaphor or dabbling in arson.
Hacker: I have all your passwords
Me: Oh thank god, I have been locked out of my old Dropbox for years.
My brother never donates blood because he hates the thought that his blood is having more fun in somebody else than it ever did in him.
I know the birds that flew south for winter mad as hell right now.
When there are only 6 slices of pizza left and it seems kind of silly to wrap them up and put them in the fridge so you go ahead and finish them
“Release the Kraken” I say as I push “clean” on the Roomba.
Doing United States puzzle with 7 when he tells me that “Alabama should be called Mr. Sippi since it’s next to Mrs. Sippi.”
Name an organ more dramatic than the uterus
Like, she doesn’t get a baby and she throws an absolute fit. Tearing everything down and throwing it out in the lawn so now it’s everyone’s problem 🙄
My neighbor’s dogs are named Calvin and Klein. They’re boxers.
“Relax,” Arthur thought to himself, “you’re just being paranoid.”
Kylo Ren: I can’t read your mind! How are you resisting me?!
Rey: Occlumency lessons from Professor Snape.
I just saw a sign that said “if you can plan for a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and in my mind those two things are the same things
GHOST (rattling cupboards): OOo oooOooOoo
*family screams*
SECOND GHOST (screwing and unscrewing a lightbulb): what the hell are we doing Frank. they’re good people
“Don’t kiss or snuggle backyard poultry,” CDC warns in salmonella alert.
famous: well-known for Good reasons
infamous: well-known for Bad reasons
therefore
flammable: catches on fire for Good reasons
inflammable: catches on fire for Bad reasons
The best way to get back at someone is to eat toast in their bed.
I love you but I still wish your family would just pay the ransom.
Psychologists say that sleeping naked can help boost a person’s confidence, but nobody in this bus seems to appreciate it.
Returning to the office, after working from home for 18 months, and all I worried about was would I have enough snacks to get me through the day
When listening to skinny girls talk about losing weight it’s perfectly reasonable to battle cry then karate chop their tiny stomach’s.
i am tired of the human pretending. they don’t control the weather. sometimes they open the door. and it leads into the rain. but i have literally seen them. open the exact same door. and it be sunny on the other side
There’s a skinny girl inside me who is just DYING to get out.
She stole the last cupcake & then bragged about her metabolism, so I ate her.