“i’m going to give them a piece of my mind” no you should hang onto those you’re running out
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I’m sorry. I know I said hi, but I wasn’t really prepared for any follow-up conversation.
All this construction in my area makes me realize how many weapons are just randomly lying around.
Aries: You will be transported into a video game. Don’t get excited. You’ll be a tree.
(Me, on my way in an Uber to a sexy party)
Uber Driver: Going to a party?
Me: Yes actually
Uber Driver: A family party?
Me: God I hope not
Past is the past, it’s all gravy under the bridge.
ISIS MEMBER: Andy is your western name. what would you like your new, terrorist name to be?
ME: Barry Bombs
If you’re ever chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, over a little seesaw and through a hoop of fire.
They’re trained for that.
Born to be mild.
me, one hour into the “no solid food for three weeks” thinkin about pizza
Not to spoil the eclipse for y’all but Bella chooses Edward lol
just got my engagement photos
How many vintage novelty sweaters does a grown woman need? Apparently just one more
[prehistoric times]
MUM: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDAUGHTER: So I gather
To be honest, the only reason I’m interested in space is to experience the sublime satisfaction of throwing an enemy out of an airlock.
“I hate when I can’t think of the right word,” she protesticulated.
REVOLUTION HAS BEGUN!!!
Day One, living in one of those tiny houses: “Well, isn’t this quaint?”
Day Two: Murder
Waiter: pumpkin pie?
Me: ok, …. darling
Thursday thoughts from my late father…
“Whadya mean you can’t change a tire. What do you think I sent you to college for?”
I keep a set of 5 airtight canisters on my kitchen counter:
Flour, sugar, coffee, tea, rage.
I can raise kids just fine,
but keeping plants alive that
only need to be watered once
a month is apparently
out of my reach.
God *up on a chair, shrieking*: GET IT GET IT GET IT
Mrs God: You know they’re more afraid of you than you are of them *gently sweeps man outside*
TV lead me to believe grave digging would be a lot easier
This picture says the only time the queen has ever used a knife before this moment, is to kill someone.
“We’re gonna need more chalk.”
– detective who discovers my body
There’s only one good girl here!
You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying
Daughter: This is a long movie preview.
Me: You’re a long movie preview. I’ve been raising you 17 years and still no movie.
My local cinema was broken into last night and goods worth £15,000 stolen: a packet of popcorn and a medium Coke.
“What does your mother do for a living?”
“She sells shesells…I mean…Sea sells sea shells…dammit! She’s…a beachside entrepreneur.”