Her: Have we been to that restaurant?
Me: hmm damn I’m not sure.
Her: It’s cute how you cross your arms when you’re thinking. Also, please put your hands on the steering wheel, you’re going 84.
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I went for a walk with the baby and she wanted me to sing some of her songs with her as we walked. After 2 renditions of “Wheels on the Bus” I couldn’t breathe. Beyonce is the greatest athlete alive
*weather drops 2 degrees*
me: it’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas
During the course of some 36 films, did it ever occur to anyone that maybe Godzilla deserves a “good boy” once in a while?
DOCTOR: congratulations, it’s a boy! *holds up baby tricycle*
BICYCLE DAD: what the hell?
BICYCLE MOM: *crying*
Just got 30 minutes of cardio trying to pick up an ice cube from the kitchen floor.
I’ve verified my own account.
It’s utter crap ✔
All I’m saying is the babysitters club made me think taking care of kids would be a lot more fun
thinking about parking in a garage downtown just to get some validation
Genie: you get three wishes
Dog: I wish I was inside
Genie: two wishes
Dog: I wish I was outside
Genie: one wish
Dog:
Genie:
Dog: I wish I was inside
My refrigerator died. In lieu of flowers, a new fridge would be nice.
“He seems kind of rude”
“Oh no no, that’s just how he is”
“Ok cool. Now that I know it’s a fundamental part of his personality, I like him”
The year 4542, artifacts are discovered from our once flourishing civilization. “Looks like they worshiped apples.” said one archeologist.
When they wheel me out in a body bag I hope someone sticks a pair of googly eyes on the outside.
Sorry I forgot your birthday but I thought we’d stop being friends long before it got here.
the boss has a new hairpiece and i’m trying real hard not to laugh
~Little Mermaid family meeting~
Ariel…. We found this hidden in your top drawer.
*places sea cucumber on table*
When you have a clap light in your bedroom, rough sex also becomes a rave.
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
My 5 year old is going to be a witch for Halloween. But she doesn’t want to wear a hat. No wig, either. The black dress? Too itchy. Oh, and she’s not down with green makeup. The only part of the costume she likes is the broom. My 5 year old is going to be a janitor for Halloween.
why are you, as a wallet company, giving away a $500 gift card? what am i gonna do? buy $500 worth of wallets?
Immediately pulled out of any TV show if there’s a bookcase in the background. “Why do they have two copies of Twilight Eclipse!?” I yell at my wife as she Googles divorce lawyers…
[forgetting the phrase “your honor”] not guilty, hammer daddy
Computer dating is fine… if you are a computer.
My neck, my back. My pizza and my snacks.
Hi you’ve reached my voicemail, this is by far one of the absolute worst ways to get in touch with me….leave a message.
Old timey ghosts are boring. I want to be haunted by a valley girl with giant hoop earrings.
GUY: looks like your truck could use some work
ME [patting it]: indeed
GUY [looking at a clipboard] alrighty, does it have any clerical skills?
My wife told me we need a new bathroom scale a week ago, but today she let me know that it wasn’t something she wanted for Valentine’s Day.
I’m the Usain Bolt of running late
my (38F) identical twin daughters (11F) met at summer camp and have unionized