When I was a kid, I got mad at my brother and told him people whose names start with J don’t go to heaven, and my mom just looked at me and said, “Jesus”.
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I’ve never been #BackToTheFuture , but my mom always used to promise me she’d knock me into next week if I didn’t behave.
Stepped on the scale nekkid and that’s how I know my glasses weigh 20lbs.
You can’t make me breathe heavy.
You aren’t a flight of stairs.
I’m with you, Hungry Hungry Hippos. I don’t find small plastic balls very filling, either. I can’t believe this what you guys eat in Africa!
billionaires spent their money on sex crimes and polluting the ocean. such bullshit. with a billion dollars you could probably get Jeff Goldblum to tuck you into bed or have Stevie Nicks put a hex on you. billionaires are so stupid.
[mall food court]
Me: *stomach rumbling* OMG not now
Brain: Too bad you hate using public washrooms
My White Undies: Sweet baby jesus no
A strong person stands up for himself. A stronger person stands up for himself while bench pressing another person standing up for himself.
“Groundhog” implies the existence of skyhogs, and that’s just frightening.
Imagine being reincarnated as grass?
Smothered by snow. That melts and then you get trampled by kids at play, shit on by dogs, scorched by sun, flooded by rain, then once a week have your head chopped off.
I won’t open the garage door because I’m afraid the cast and crew from “Hoarders” will be outside waiting.
If you run out of coffee while someone is telling you a long story, you should be able to reach out, grab the coffee that person is holding & start drinking it, too.
I fall in love too easily.
Wait..
It’s ditches, I fall in ditches too easily
Just told my mom I’m gonna mow the laundry today. Honestly it doesn’t sound like such a bad idea.
[Spelling bee]
JUDGE: Spell “Insubordinate”ME: *Lips on mic* No.
JUDGE: I don’t… where do we go from here?
ME: *slides envelope across the table
COP: *opening it* This is half a ticket to an MC Hammer concert from 1990
ME: You’ll get the other half when I’m out of here
Giraffes only sleep 2 hours a day.
If reincarnation is real, fingers crossed that I don’t come back as a giraffe.
My kid just said good nightmare instead of goodnight, so no, I will not be sleeping this evening.
Never know who you’ll run into at the gas station!
me: babe watch me flip this omelette!
her: cool
me: now watch me kick flip this omelette!!
her: sick!!!
If I lived in a small town where no one locked their doors I’d have an alligator moat
“That is fertilizer” -Vin Scully
dryer: permanent press
me: ah yes. of course i know what that means.
[sees cute girl jog by]
“Imma run up and ask her out”
[one block later still not caught up]
“Ok, wow, we probably weren’t soul mates anyway”
Boss: if you don’t know what to say, slamming your face on the keyboard isn’t a solution
Me: what do you mean?
the other day a bartender told me his high school did a performance of RENT where they couldn’t say AIDS so all the characters had diabetes
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename the cat.
in a senior moment, i forgot the word for bologna, so I said, “you know…ummm…hotdog pancakes!”