(me to my doctor) if you don’t have anything nice to say you shouldn’t say anything at all
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I’m perfectly fine with kissing frogs to find a prince…But I draw the line at kissing snakes.
Fun Date Idea: Find a balloon, forget about the date, you have a balloon now.
if there’s something that needs to be picked up off the floor, I think to myself “do I really need it that bad” and most of the time the answer is “no” so I just leave the baby there
When I can’t barge, I careen.
Imagine being at your therapist’s office and your card declines so your therapist spends the next hour roasting you to undo all of the progress you gained through therapy
Me: I haven’t spoken to my mom in years. I do love her though.
Therapist: She isn’t going to live forever. You should call and tell her.
Me: You’re right…*dials number*
Mom, you’re going to die *hangs up*
Why on earth would anyone even buy a deathbed?
Me: was your son fed?
Wife: yes.
Me: bathed?
Wife: yes.
Me: in bed on time?
Wife: yes.
Me: so I’m a “bad dad” why?
Wife: his pajamas.
Me: what about them?
Wife: THEY. DON’T. MATCH.
My husband asked for a back scratcher for Father’s Day so apparently my days are numbered
Out of embarrassment, I just told a train passenger I’m crying cos my bf dumped me. Real reason is I’m listening to the Lion King soundtrack
Whenever I mess up an experiment I just think of what a pigeon considers a successful nest
🏙👨🏼
doctor: im afraid we’re going to have to amputate a leg
flamingo: i’ll manage
spider: same
snake: i have a question
DON’T STOP BELIEVING!
…..but feel free to be somewhat skeptical from time-to-time
trying to act casual so the printer doesn’t realize this is time sensitive
[steps on scale]
Me *shrugs*: New year, more me
ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing
HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard
ME: hannahannahannahannaha
LMAO.
Her: Where ya been?
Me: At the cemetery.
Her: Someone dead?
Me: Yeah. All of them.
Аbsolutely crazy to thіnk that Leonardo Dіcaprіo’s future gіrlfrіend іs currently nervous for her fіrst day of kіndergarten
Not interested in your mayonnaise-based holidays
Growing up, a lot of people had crushes on Jennifer Aniston. I just liked her as a friend.
Sorry I asked, “Is it friendly?” & tried to pet your baby.
[someone breaks into my house] excuse me, we take our shoes off in this house
So I ordered a cake from a renowned bakery in Nagpur, through #Swiggy. In the order details I mentioned “Please mention if the cake contains egg”. I am speechless after receiving the order 👇🏼
Cutting Crew: I just died in your arms tonight. Must’ve been something you said…
Me: *closing book of spells* Oh shit! Oh shit! Oh shit!
Her: I like a man with an air of mystery.
Me: [trying to impress her] I’m under investigation for murder.
“Oh no… Me think Jane home early.”
According to the CDC, the leading cause of death in 2016 was having a career in the 80’s that brought you any level of fame