The good folks over at @funTweeters have compiled 6 pages of my tweets. Are they good? No. Are they funny? Also no.
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[Shark Tank]
ME: I have discovered a microbe that consumes plastic
MARK CUBAN: And why do you need our money?
ME: It ate my credit card
“YoU’Re nOt gOiNg tO gEt a jOb WiTh tHoSe tAtToOs”
First of all, bold of you to assume I’m employable without my tattoos
My kid is mad at me because *checks notes* I would not let her hang out in a dog crate and I ruined her dreams of being a dog
[on date]
Him: Honesty is very important. Be upfront about things. We have to trust each other. It’s how love works.
Me: I’m Batman.
me: 7’s favorite toy eats batteries like crazy
husband: *laughs* that’s funny, yours does too-
me:
husband: I’ll go get more batteries
I’m trying to be more fit these days, so now I walk inside the store to buy my donuts instead of using the drive-thru.
Her: “chicks dig scars”
Wolverine: “damn it”
Slowly crawl towards your sleeping dog, put your face directly next to its face, and whisper “I know it’s been you shitting in my yard.”
Every time my kid says “Dad, remember when…” in front of his friends I know I’m about to hear the craziest lie and I’m all in on it
A smart woman knows when to give up and walk away
A southern woman has a shotgun and a shovel named give up and walk away
The chips I’m eating are labeled “Harvest Cheddar,” a name which is forcing me to reconsider what I thought I knew about cheese production
What do you mean, I didn’t win? I ate more wet T-shirts than anyone else.
*burglar alarm goes off*
me (turns to the robber asleep beside me): honey it’s time to get up and go to work
Just finished a show and in need of new entertainment so imma ask the hubs what one thing does he wish he could change about me
Christmas Karening is like Christmas Caroling. But instead of going door to door singing, you go store to store asking for the manager.
When I was a kid, my mum used to run a dating site for chickens. She did whatever she could to make hens meet.
The fact that I start clapping every time someone says “Please give me a hand” is only like the number 6 reason I dont have friends.
Me [being crucified]: my God, why have you forsaken me? *life flashes before my eyes* oh yeh, that’s why.
CAUGHT IN A ˢˡⁱᵈᵉ
these freddie videos i swear-
All I’m saying is a cucumber will never ghost you.
Sorry I can’t pay for a new car right now, I’m still paying off a Naked Juice I bought in 2014
Not sure if i should be proud of this or not, but our employee handbook had 37 new rules added since i started working here.
Do the people who set the paper towel dispensers to only dispense 2 inches at a time not know that I’m gonna take like 27 of those things?
that stage of a relationship where you’re accused of things like exhaling too short, “I just don’t see how you can be in this for the long run when you’re clearly microdosing carbon dioxide”
Sesame Street gritty reboot:
The Burt Locker
me: the heart wants what the heart wants
heart: please stop drin-
me: whiskey it is
Eat healthy, but remember that greasy foods protectively coat your heart so it pops out of the fist of those who attempt to crush it.
Why are the people on soap operas always CEOs?
Nobody works at Walmart?
Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.
Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.
Some vampires adopt common dog names so that people will accidentally call them inside.