My son asked me where poo came from. I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest answer. He looked perplexed and stared at me for a minute then asked….and tigger???
You Might Also Like
If Rocky 4 couldn’t improve Russia and US relations then nothing will
[on plane]
Me: It’s ok, more ppl are killed by hippos than by plane crashes
Pilot: This is your captain speaking, I’m a hippo btw
Me: Nooooo
When Ted Cruz kisses a baby, its parents have to throw it out and start over.
PER MY LAST EMAIL
Just overheard my 6-year-old son ask Alexa, “Alexa, is there anyone my dad could beat up?”
I think people who use “go fly a kite” as an insult don’t really understand kites or insults.
I want my funeral to have invitations with RSVP requests so my introvert friends can decline but still feel good about being invited.
Ever accidentally turn off your alarm instead of hitting the snooze button and wake up two days later?
I’m brave but not just grab any shampoo off the store shelf without smelling it before buying it brave.
A work friend’s daughter is getting married and she asked me to help plan a potato bar for the reception. I did it. I’m a potato planner. I can die now. This is the reason I was born.
[Job interview]
Me: [thinking] I hope he doesn’t notice the mustard on my shirtInterviewer: [thinking] Is he eating a fkn hotdog?
My wife handles our kids like a boss. The only problem is she make me do it too 😂
Me: trump keeps obfuscating the truth
Wife: i see you learned a new word
Me: i obfuscately did
Wife:
Me: what are we obfuscating for dinner
Imagine getting your card declined at an exorcism and having them put all of your demons back.
Brands during Pride
There are no mistakes, only learning opportunities.
***UPDATE***
Do not tell your kids they were learning opportunities.
Level of singleness: yelling, “pizza’s here!” So the delivery man doesn’t think all the pizza is just for me…
Luigi: You got your own land, world & galaxy. Can I have Mario Mansion?
Mario: ok fine [under breath] gonna put a bunch of ghosts in it tho
yeah i ate the last 10 donuts, i don’t like a cluttered counter
Delilah: Hey
Jude: Hey there
Seriously how ugly was Little Red Riding Hood’s grandma?
My kids would rather hide a plate in the most obscure, hard to reach places in our home just so they don’t have to take a 5 second walk and return it to our kitchen.
Damn, can’t believe I’m getting all of this backlash just for being objectively shitty
Broke my New Year’s resolution to exorcise more and now there are poltergeists and demons all over my house.
Most people don’t know this, but the North only won the Civil War because the South got half an inch of snow and they lost their damn minds.
Wife said I should talk to the kids about drugs so I told them how faking a back injury would usually get you some Vicodin.
When a guy jokes about pms, you need to laugh along to show you’re a cool chick, but hold the laugh too long- so he gets scared.
we all have needs. I need my wife to go run errands so I can swipe the last cherry danish.
Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to ten, I can hit the nine-minute snooze two more times and only be five minutes late.