{Getting dating advice}
FRIEND: Just be yourself.
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: You’ve met me tho—
FRIEND: No, yeah, I heard it as soon as I said it.
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*reading a children’s book*
That’s preposterous. A duck can’t perform brain surgery. They would quack under the pressure.
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– Siri is less of a cunt.
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Me: Oooh here she comes. Ok fella act cool. YOU GOT THIS
Her: Hi, I’m Linda
Me: *nose-whistles Despacito in its entirety*
ME: Hold on, let’s stay in the car until the song ends.
UBER DRIVER: No.
Interviewer: “So why should we hire you?”
Me: “Cause I need a job very badly.”
Interviewer: “So?”
Me: “And you have a vacancy. BINGO”
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A: “Seven-and-a-half inches… same as now”
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Bro I don’t even believe in myself
me: you have to be nice or Santa won’t bring you any toys this year
5:
me:
5: my brother lets me play with his
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But, yeah, let me raise two kids.
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Me: *covered in peanut butter and bird seed* it sure is a mystery.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: pass
Officer: have you been drinking?
Me: pass
Officer: You can’t just keep..
Me: pass
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Me: Oh sweetie, that’s just a suggestion.
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