[blind date]
HER: I just wish women were treated equal…You know what I mean?
ME: Absolu-
WAITER: I hate to interrupt but can I take your drink order?
HER: Yes, I’ll have a Manhattan
ME: Make mine a *turns to non-existent camera*…Womanhattan
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Saturday night is for moaning My name. Sunday morning is for chanting it.
4: Mommy, where do babies come from?
Me: Well, sweetie, when two people tolerate each other very much…
I thought I was smooth, sneaking away from my date to watch a YouTube tutorial on chopsticks, but all he did was ask in horror why I took my chopsticks into the bathroom.
Ooh. Remove card RAPIDLY, not RABIDLY. I think I owe the lady at pump 2 an apology.
I don’t mean to brag, but I do all my own auto repairs.
*turns up volume*
SEE! THE RATTLING SOUND IS COMPLETELY GONE!
Went by the house where I grew up. Asked to go in to look around, but they said no and shut the door in my face. My parents can be so rude.
Be careful of what you say online because future employers might see it and will probably want to start hanging out with you
in hell your cat can talk and he openly judges you for everything he saw you doing when you were home alone
Him: You hang up first.
Me: *click
My 3 year old told me I wasn’t allowed to go to the toilet and screamed if I tried to
If I’m honest, “bladder vs 3 year old” will be one of the biggest challenges of my life but one I think I’m ready for
Getting caught under your desk and coming up with nothing in your hand is always so hard to explain.
It shakes the bottle vigorously or else it gets the pre-ketchup.
My 4yo just said “is life a dream because it doesn’t make sense” and I suspect he’s right
Lie about the gap in your resume. Tell them you had to help hobbits take a ring to Mordor or something
Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.
the wok is the most versatile of all the kitchen tools. i make everything in there. everything. plz test me. spaghetti? that’s waghetti now. tacos? u mean wok-o’s baby. u want some muffins, dude? flip that “m” upside-down my guy cuz we eat wuffins in this house
ME: well well well, look who’s about to make a killing
MURDERER: [just stabs me even harder]
I haven’t been to Starbucks in two weeks and I’ve saved eight thousand dollars.
I’m not saying motorcycles are dangerous, but the motorcycle section on Craigslist also has a lot of electric wheelchairs for sale.
ME: alexa, make it quieter
*music gets way too quiet*
ME: alexa, make it louder
*music gets super loud*
ME: [sigh] alexa, make it quieter
ALEXA: which contact would you like to call?
ME: jesus christ
ALEXA: i couldn’t find jesus in your contacts
If video games were truly to blame for violent acts drive by turtle flinging would be at an all time high.
Youtube is the only place where you’ll find people arguing about religion in the comments of a snowboarding video.
Dear everyone,
I’ve seen all of your tweets this year.
You’re all getting dictionaries for Christmas.Sincerely,
Santa Claus.
Twitter is like a dog: There’s always someone who loves you for you… there’s also always someone who just peed in an inappropriate place.
I don’t like the person I become when I’m alone in the break room with a box of donuts.
I hate when my kids and I can’t agree on where we are going for Sunday breakfast, but I love that we all agree I’m not making it.
You wake in a strange cellar, chained to a boiler. You slowly recognize the man standing over you as an old co-worker. He puts his cheek against yours & whispers:
“Remember in 2003 when you said Aerosmith did Come Together better than the Beatles?”
This needs to be over soon because my husband is starting to realize I’m not out of his league.
iPhone X
Just got to our Airbnb!