How to get ready for things :
1. Procrastinate for 5 hours
2. Panic 10 min before leaving
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The worst thing about millennial parents is that they name their pets human names and their kids pet names. They be like:
“Luna, don’t take Josh’s cone off, he just got spayed!”.
I’ve been shelling pistachios for 3 hours now, I have 9.
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
One day when the kids ask about life before the crab war you’ll laugh nervously and continue walking sideways to crab church.
Tried arguing on the internet today.
Wouldn’t recommend it.
0 out of 5 stars.
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 10 seconds” on YouTube*
*ad starts playing*
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 5 seconds”*
Cartoons falsely taught me to expect encountering an unimaginable amount of anvils in my day to day life
“Britney Spears” implies the existence of a “Britney Swords”, who probably has less attack speed and range but more well-rounded damage output potential
I’ve eaten so much Easter candy..that at this point I’m positive i’m ovulating Reese’s eggs.
[sexting]
He: What are your measurements?
She: 36, 24, 36, 19, 72, 54, 2, 14,
He: WTF
She: I A M T H E K R A K E N
I remember a short time in my life when I didn’t like hot dogs. 5 is a challenging age.
Only 4 beers left in house. Time to find new house.
HR: We need to see you for a moment
Me: Is this about the nail clipping?
He: Yes. It’s our understanding that Linda did not ask you to trim her nails
USA is broken. Can we use USB now? 🤔
Find someone more giddy with excitement than my husband who stopped the car between the Canada-US border to joke that we left the kids in another country
I’m watching two crows fight over a toothbrush. Crows don’t even have teeth, it’s just capitalism making them want things they don’t need
Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg and some days you’re that guy who hit the propeller on the way down.
Husband: where you off to?
Me: bathroom
Husband: you have to pee again?
Me: no, I gotta cough
My kid informed me that her favourite salad is butter and I felt that
The first guy to eat cheese had a creepy hunch that totally paid off
“Pass the joint.”
-Cannibals at dinner
If someone says, “right about now” and you don’t respond with “the funk soul brother” we can’t be friends.
Dear car commercials,
You probably don’t mean to scare me but “German engineering” is also why I don’t have so many cousins today.
I can’t believe she picked her husband, her boyfriend and her other boyfriend over me.
My almost 3yo drew me a picture and when he gave it to me, I must not have reacted fast enough because he said, “say ‘awwww’ mama.”
Covid like
Does a hot bath tighten the virginia?
When I die, before my will is read, I want my entire Google search history revealed and whoever is left in the room gets it all.
I have a strange power dynamic with the cat as I can’t tell if I’ve been evicted or deposed. Either way, the centre of the bed is no longer mine.
My son gave me a list of things he’d like in his Easter basket.
This isn’t Christmas, kid. Do you want a chocolate bunny or not?