I think lawyers would be a lot cooler if you could just hire them to help you plan your heist.
Lawyer: If you get caught it’s only 6 mo. Instead of 20 yrs. If you do it this way.
Me: What about the repelling from the ceiling part?
Lawyer: Keep that, it’s badass!
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Kids, 364 days a year:
“I can’t find my shoes!”
“I can’t find my jacket!”
“I can’t find my homework!”
“I can’t find my water bottle!”
“I can’t find my library book!”Kids, Easter Sunday:
Can find a tiny egg camouflaged
in the grass a quarter mile away.
Idioms are annoying so I won’t count chickens that cry over spilt milk at the drop of a hat or bark up the wrong apples and oranges tree because at the end of the day, it is what it is, and it ain’t over til the fat lady kills two birds with a piece of cake.
When my husband annoys me I like to say, “The doctor said I need to lose 10 pounds. What do you think?”
5: when you laugh your head off does it grow back?
Accidentally walked into the men’s room so I just went ahead and used the urinal so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.
I thought I was experiencing early menopause but it turned out one of my kids set the thermostat to 87°.
Someone just posted an article on Facebook and said “file this under sad.” WAS I SUPPOSED TO BE FILING EVERYTHING
The water pressure of the hotel shower would best be described as paintball fight.
Alligators can survive for 2-3 years without eating. My personal record is 16 minutes.
“Okay player Mikehunt782 is it this time. I gotta hide, Mike Hunt is coming. You’ll never get me Mike Hunt! I’m taunting Mike Hunt. Time’s running out, I’m going to be safe. Yes! Take that Mike Hunt!”
* my 8yr old insisting on yelling out user names on Roblox
Meltdowns are what happens when you compartmentalize your thoughts, but forget to label them.
[2045]
The national language is Yeet. Your daughter’s fiancé is a YouTuber whose legal name is Landon FTW.
Cat 911: what’s your emergency
Cat: my human is bleeding to death!
911: stay calm. what happened
Cat: she tried to pet my stomach so i bit her
911:
Cat:
911: hahahaha
Cat: hahahaHA
Cat Paramedics: *arriving on scene* HAHAHAHA
ME: [running for my flight]
PILOT: [leaning out cockpit window] JUST GIVE UP
Tiger Woods: cool name, scary place
[wearing World’s Best Dad shirt]
Wife: whys there blood on your shirt?
Me: its not my blood
Guy bleeding out in the yard: its not your shirt
I heard a noise downstairs, so naturally I came down to investigate in my towel, post-shower.
Exactly. I’M the idiot in a slasher film.
I hope the next variant mutates to turn everyone into Cats, makes this all worthwhile.
[mosh pit]
me: HELLOOO TRYING TO DRINK A LATTE HERE
why are there sports bars but not cute bars where u can sip wine and cheer for competitive cooking shows?
Each year over 40, one more part of your body becomes audible.
For years I thought the ghost in my house was trying to scare me, turns out he was just booing my awful jokes
If I fall of this roof cause I’m tweeting, you fuckers have to come and take turns spoon feeding me mash in hospital.
date: are u a tender lover?
me: more of a dino nugget guy
Instead of sending friends Christmas cards, is it ok If I return the ones I got and just add the words “Me too”?
Wait is Venmo down too?? Venmo me I’m curious
Cop: you failed to obey the stop sign
Me: I got lost in the music
C: what song?
M: I’d rather not say
C: what song?!?
M: I saw the sign
Everyone knows you save the leftover wrapping pieces to make patches to cover the end of the box where the gift wrap shrank.
what if plants could talk but they are still in shock from seeing the dinosaurs