Please stop asking me what my tweets mean. I can’t read.
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Me: I miss baseball
Umpire: Strike one!
Me: Omg, my legs are like jello!
Trainer: You stood up.
Me: Sooo sore!!
Cop: do you know why I pulled u over?
Me: yeah, I was going like 120 back there
Cop:….
Me:..
Cop: sir, your tailamp is out
Me:…
EVERY MOVIE TRAILER NOW:
We hear a single piano key play.
A shot of a basketball court at dusk.
Sally Field [V.O.] “Your grandfather was…complicated. There’s a lot you don’t know, can’t understand.”
A children’s choir starts singing “In the Air Tonight” by Phil Collins.
My niece told me Titanic wasn’t its real name and the whole sinking was faked and there was another even bigger ship that sailed to America in secret that was the real Titanic so I asked her who the hell taught her how to sign up for a Facebook account
90s scientists: we cloned a sheep! we landed a robot on mars!
scientists today: for the last time, the earth is *round*
Why is it PIZZERIA and not PIZZARIA?
– my brain at 2:00 am
If you kill a spider you’re brave but if you kill a person you’re a monster, I’m really tired of these double standards
a pizza is basicaly a real-time pie chart of how much pizza i am going to eat
A fun game is to put on an orange vest and direct traffic.
He’s so proud of his work! 🤣
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
“Let’s agree to disagree.”
TRANSLATION: You’re so painfully wrong on every conceivable level that I just need you to shut up now.
These people act like they’ve never seen anyone wearing a Speedo in a laundromat before.
When I recently asked a 9 year-old about his experience with the tooth fairy, he explained that there is no tooth fairy, and:
‘Your parents take the tooth out from under your pillow, and god knows what they do with it.’
daughter: can i keep the night light on?
me: and provide the monsters with a beacon to your location? use your head, sweetie
Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance
Me: *grins* Couldn’t help but notice you checking me out.
Girl: Yeah, I’m a cashier at a grocery store. That’s my job.
[1hr before date]
Me: (to waiter) So when I order the extra spicy chicken you say ‘brave choice sir’ and then bring the Lemon Herb chicken
Of all my mistakes, you were the mistakiest
Good news class—you are exactly 9 years old, so from here on out, we’ll exclusively be reading books where the dog dies.
It’s finally mandatory for people to stay 6 feet away from me.
Ok pregnant ladies. Today’s the day!
#LaborDay
I almost slept through the whole thing
*best day ever*
I’m not signing up for the 401k, there’s no way I can run that far.
Can’t, yelling at the map tracker for every wrong turn my pizza delivery guy makes
[commercial for IKEA]
Are you easily frustrated? Want to find out?
My bank messaged me saying ” Stay healthy, stay safe”.
I replied “you too.”
You gotta admit Wile E. Coyote going through the entire process of making a movie just for it be scrapped as a tax write off is incredibly on brand for him.
First date idea: Couples Colonoscopies.