The gal in front of me on this flight didn’t enjoy me stroking her forehead after she reclined into my lap. Thought we were having a moment.
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“Children can be very cruel,” I reassure my 6 year-old. “But sometimes it seems like you aren’t even trying.”
WIFE: This is dumb.
DAUGHTER: This is so stupid.
ME: This is getting out of hand!
THIS: [leaping out of my palm] I HATE YOU GUYS I’M LEAVING
[at a loud bar]
HIM: [yelling] DO U HAVE ANY PLANS AFTER THIS?
HER: [also yelling] YES I DO ACTUALLY HAVE PLANTS THAT I KISS
Her: what’s your favorite position
Me: devil’s advocate
Her: i meant sexual position
Me: but what if you didn’t
there should be a “take your friend to work day” so we can actually see what our friends do all day and meet the characters from all their work stories
March 23: Trump pretends to drive big-rig. House bill falls apart.
July 17: Trump pretends to drive firetruck. Senate bill falls apart.
[God creating puffer fish] take that hedgehog and throw it into the goddamn ocean
A moment of silence for our dear friend, liquid water, who did not survive the 100° temperature… You will be mist…
Me: I don’t have time for anxiety. I have so much to do before tomorrow.
Anxiety: Ha! Good one. You’re funny!
Me: Funny how?
My fashion decisions have gone from “Is it cute?” to “Is it comfy?” to “Did anybody see me wear this yesterday?”
Man arrested at airport after officials discover 35 live birds attached to his clothing as he attempted to smuggle them into the country for singing competitions
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m 4 people.
Annoy a Boomer today. Take your time vacating the pickleball court.
Anakin: …is it possible to learn this power?
Palpatine: *grins* not from a Jedi. Which is why I use SkillShare. SkillShare is an online learning community where you can learn—and teach—just about anything. Get two months of Skillshare Premium for free with coupon code “SHEEV”
i actually want my products tested on animals, if a bear doesn’t like the ps5 i know i won’t either
My dogs keep looking at me as if I have the power to fix the snow outside but I’m too goddamned lazy to do it
She was like “wrong hole”, so I said “adventurous on the e-harmony profile isn’t knitting quilts Velma”, long story short I’m still single.
It’s entirely possible the recipe didn’t say burn it on the outside, undercook it on the inside and aim for a large dip in the middle but here we are
How do mathematicians plot their leg day workouts?
With quad-ratic equations.
Someone knocked at my door asking if I would like to donate to the children’s home so I just chucked him a few kids
I let my kid stir the pancake batter and now he keeps asking for the whisk-y, going to have a lot of explaining to do at preschool
do you think the guy who designed hand grenades really hated pineapples, or really loved them?
me: i am not a religious person i prefer to use science as my basis for belief
also me: potato chips taste different when you open the bag from the bottom
I just know Amazon drivers be like.. THIS HOUSE AGAIN ???
It’s like my Mom always said FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW:
[sees a dog about to get run over]
Me [dives toward dog & rolls to safety]: that was close
[sees a cat about to get run over]
Me: car coming
[playing the game of life]
instructions: the player with the most money wins
me: *eyes wide* this game is so realistic
One time I did mushrooms and played GTA and felt regret for the lives I was taking I was all “Holy shit these people have families”
There’s a guy in this Taco Bell bathroom stall so loud I’m not sure if it’s performance art or a solstice goat sacrifice.
My family was totally confused tonight because there’s a candle lit that smells like a cake is baking without burning
I don’t do that