Some people don’t like awkward silences but I do because that’s when I think about Thundercats.
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Using my invisible hula hoop really freaks people out.
People who find your stuff, then claim it’s theirs:
1. Colonialists
2. Sisters
I once slowly roasted a Marshmallow over fire until the Michelin Man gave me some free tires.
Me: Then the robber came through the door holding a gun
Cop: Was it a revolver?
Me: No he just pushed it open and walked through like normal
How come NASA sending their black hole to everyone is “Breaking News,” but me sending mine is an “HR violation?”
I hope this email punches you square in the face
Strip search? Fine but I’m going to need some music.
Movie where someone thinks they’re a ghost and the plot twist is they were alive the whole time
My parents are divorced. I feel fat and all the other girls my age have boyfriends.
Him: Being a teenager is tough.
Me: *sigh* I’m 40.
People that drive Jeeps will always make a point on how rugged their vehicle is by putting one wheel up on the sidewalk
My boss: Do you have Twitter?
Me: Spell it for me, I’ll search my apps.
Mechanic: that’s gonna cost $2000
Me: how much?
Mechanic: $3000
Me: what did you say before that
Mechanic: I said “that’s gonna cost”
Before you buy anything online ask yourself “Am I prepared to see a sales ad for that same item on every social media site I visit until the day I die?”
Cops are always like “Where were you when the murder took place” and never “How were you when the murder took place”
The new Disney Pixar movie sounds wild
**both sitting at the pub having a beer**
Me: So. What’d you give up for Lent?
Friend: I gave up drinking.
Me:
Friend:
Me: No.
Friend: I gave up drinking standing up?
Me: Nicely done.
Friend: We should do shots to celebrate….
Twitter: You have 87 notifications
Me: Nice
Gmail: You have 7 emails
Me: Oh FOR THE LOVE OF CHRIST
coroner: his stomach was completely filled with guacamole
detective: and that’s what killed him?
coroner: [looks at detective then at the axe in my skull then back at detective] no
It was supposed to rain this morning and didn’t, which is rude to the sweatpants sofa plans I made.
My kid dropped an entire glass of cranberry juice and now he knows how hard it’d be to cover up a murder
Relationship status: held a door open for a girl, so she used the other one
I walk into the bathroom only to be greeted by my dad’s masterpiece
Welcome to your 40’s. Your body now involuntarily makes haunted house sound effects.
What do you call a factory that makes okay products?
A satisfactory.
Lady, you misunderstood. When I asked if you would have my kids I didn’t mean sex and babies. I meant take the ones I already have.
Me: thanks duckter
Goose doctor: [fought years of discrimination to get to his position] how dare you
If you’re charging me $15 for apple cider at a hayride it better contain enough booze to enable me to see a headless horseman.
Uber, but for someone coming to your house and opening jars when you’re mad at your spouse.
Grow up never but we old may grow we
I hate when my camera rings, in the middle of a selfie.