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The person who stole my identity sent me a sympathy card
Barber: “so you’re thinking like an inch off the top?”
Me: “I have absolutely no idea how to answer that question.”
My family gather round while the lawyer quietly reads my will. He hands out 1 hot dog each and when they finish eating he asks them to leave
My dog and I both lose our minds when the doorbell rings but for totally opposite reasons……….I don’t want company
You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying
After a long day at work I sat on the sofa in front of the TV.
Sensing I was stressed, my 7 year old sat next to me, smiled, and held my hand.
It’s nice and everything but it was my phone-holding hand.
My day has been so awful I keep looking around to see if Nicolas Cage is in it.
I used humor as a defense mechanism.
Also bear traps.
You can’t be too careful.
The jerk store called. *removes hat* I’m afraid there’s been an accident.
My wife must be the slowest reader ever.
I bought her a Kindle last Christmas and she still hasn’t finished it.
Every few weeks I login to Facebook, update my birthday to the current day, and those idiots wish me happy birthday every time.
Officer: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: Um…could you give me a hint?
O: You were sp–
M: No, don’t tell me-I said a hint.
O: Sir…
Every news show is like “are you actually seeing what you’re seeing? We’ll ask an expert and a liar!”
Crossfit is the healthiest way to get rid of your friends.
The new deodorant I bought doesn’t tell me how many hours of coverage it provides. I’m a ticking time bomb over here.
[1st date]
Me: I’ve got crabs
[date leaves]
[back home looking at my fish tank]
“It’s all right guys, one day I’ll find one who’ll like you”
Dammit, phone. It’s always been ‘this’ and never ‘thus.’ I’ve got clumsy sausage fingers, not a conclusion to my dissertation.
Freddie Mercury: “Hey Brian, what rhymes with scaramouche?”
Brian May: um… Fandango?
Freddie: “Perfect!” *snorts another line of coke*
Your perfume/cologne should reward someone for getting close, not punish them for being in the same building.
A dating app called “Hinder” where some guy shows up in the middle of every date and ruins everything.
My son gave me a list of things he’d like in his Easter basket.
This isn’t Christmas, kid. Do you want a chocolate bunny or not?
Once upon a midnight dreary, While I pondered my next mealy, Came an empty tapping, a rapping at my pantry door. Quoth the Ramen “ever poor”
date: I’m really into dark humor
me, turning off the lights:
wanna hear a joke
AROMATHERAPY CONUNDRUM:
Spilling a large bucket of Lavender oil all over your carpet: Very stressful, or very relaxing? #retweet #grief
Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things
TV Host: What are cooking for us today?
Dingo: I’m making my famous baby coleslaw
god: *creates human* whatcha think?
angel: nice, will it hurt itself in the dark?
god: *adds shins* now it will
I show dominance by calling out her name from outside her window while she’s having sex.
Worst part of a corporate job is no tips. Someone should slip you a $20 if you write a killer email
When you put “This page intentionally left blank” in a report, the page is no longer blank. Thank you for coming to my Pedantic Ted Talk.
Local fire department burns down all the houses as a preventative measure.