*travels to Tibet*
*scales Mount Makalu*
*finds sacred Guru on the summit*Guru: We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.
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No time to explain get in the wood chipper
The bank refused to approve my loan without collateral so I reached into my purse and pulled out three avocados.
Good morning to everyone, especially those who say âoh ffs, what now?â Every time their news notification on their phone goes off
Cool Ranch Doritos are just like regular ranch Doritos except every chip wears a little pair of aviators.
I never took a drama class but everyone at this birthday believes that I love this gluten free cake.
MacGyver finally realized that he just might be overthinking things a bit.
oh you donât want my dog to bark at you? then why would you stand calmly within a 2 mile radius of my house
AXL ROSE: Where do we go? Where do we go now? Where do we go-o-o-o?
GOOGLE MAPS: Shut up for a minute and I’ll tell you
Me: (from the back of the ambulance) CHANGE THE RADIO
Medic: Sir you need to conserve your strength
Me: I AM NOT DYING TO A COLDPLAY SONG
scientist: Iâm gonna watch people sleep and count how many spiders they eat in a year
high difficulty level escape room concept: u are laying in bed and u have one hour to get out of bed
My kid lost a tooth and the Tooth Fairy doesnât have anything less than a $20 bill.
This is not the motherhood I envisioned.
how to have good hair:
– have bad hair
– walk around like you have that hair on purpose
Sometimes the fudge you bought on vacation turns out to be soap, but never the reverse. That’s how vacations work.
When I was in 6th grade, I asked a girl out with a note and she wrote back “Maybe :)” so idk man I might have plans tonight.
My daughter came downstairs and gave me the last bite of her favorite candy. She’d learned to share, and I was proud.
Then her brother came downstairs asking who ate all of his candy. “WE did!” my daughter declared. She’d learned to share blame, and I was even prouder.
Thereâs a mom at the school pickup with a shirt that says âI donât always whoomp, but when I do, there it is.â I think I love her
FedEx said they needed an adult signature to me, the 26 yo wearing this nice sophisticated outfit đ
My 4yo said âdaddy, I have two poops on my phoneâ and I was thankful to see they were just emojis
âI hate it when people pretentiously drop French words and phrases into conversationsâ I said to my fiancĂ©, a propos of nothing, while en route to a cafĂ© to enjoy hors dâoeuvre and an apĂ©ritif.
Was standing in my front yard last night and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
“Does anybody in the car have a heart condition?” I ask as I slide my Smash Mouth CD into the radio.
My dentist just looked in my mouth and said something is gonna have to come out. I suspect he’s talking about my wallet.
Took away all my son’s electronic privileges, and now he’s so bored he’s given me 35 hugs.
May take them away tomorrow too.
[Crazed robot bursts into my room and sees my Rage Against the Machine poster]
Me: ITâS NOT WHAT YOU THINK!!!
I always say âBeep beep! Tough guy alert!â when I see a guy in a Tap Out shirt so he knows I know heâs a tough guy.
Fell down the stairs and my 5yo complained, that it was so loud. I told him, i would fall more quietly next time and he looked at me like i was very stupid and said”Just don’t fall at all!” I was glad that he provided this solution!
me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
Say, hypothetically, I was stuck in an air vent over a dressing room at Lane Bryant. What kind of legal issues am I dealing with?
I don’t watch the news because anchors don’t shuffle papers anymore