My patronus is a cheeseburger
You Might Also Like
Parenting pro-tip: don’t own nice shit.
WIFE: His obsession with Star Wars is out of hand
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *adjusting Yoda mask* Cloud us with your lies you have, Karen
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
The Breakfast Club: (1985) (1hr 37 mins) Not a single breakfast is had. Barely a club. Misleading. 1/10
[Star Trek: The Next Generation)
Picard: Why are they firing at us?
Troi [an empath]: I sense hostility.
What if, instead of candy we give out things we no longer want, like a scratched up non-stick pan
Twitter crush? Nah, that’s my X girlfriend.
DETECTIVE: Where were you on the night of July 11th?
WALDO: (slides book across the table) You tell me, boss.
How much did Santa pay for his sleigh.
Nothing, it was on the house.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
Just because we’ve been friends for ten years doesn’t mean I know your kids’ names.
My husband says I’m addicted to spending money on pointless things. So I bought him a Llama to cheer him up.
Tomorrow I think I’ll just walk around restaurants with a clipboard shaking my head & hope they bribe me with free food.
[first date]
her: Tell me a little bit about yourself
me: okay so you know when beetles open up their wings and they have those other, even creepier wings underneath?
her: umm
I’ve seen Terminator, and THERE WILL BE NO SMART APPLIANCES AT MY HOUSE
If you ever see a movie where a woman is depressed and she has shaved legs that movie is bullshit.
[Hunting Robots]
Me: You a robot?
Robot: Would a robot read this?
*shows me copy of Totally Not A Robot magazine*M: Hm. That checks out.
Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– I wouldn’t let the dog drive him to daycare
– the bath was “too wet”
– he wanted syrup for breakfast…just syrup
– his sister “keeps looking at him”
– he wants shoes like his friend Jacob (there is no Jacob)How about your kid?
Let me sing you the song of my people at 3-4 am.
-my cat.
If I ever catch my kid vaping, I’m going to make him eat an entire fedora.
WIFE: Can I get your wallet from your back pocket?
ME: [current world hula champion] You can try
Kindly respect my midwestern lifestyle and do not make any crude or irreverent jokes at this time.
My bank called me as it received an alert for unusual activity. I was buying fruit.
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I’m foolish with money
“He used our life savings to buy a tiger”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A CAT, KAREN
Damn boy, are you wearing an anti-gravity suit?
‘Cause I’m not the least bit attracted to you.
I cleaned out all my closets and now it looks like a flea market threw up in my dining room.
boss: can we talk?
me: sure
boss: people are afraid of you because you’re obsessed with the devil
me: okay, first of all his name is lucifer
Him: It’s been 20 minutes! I know what you’re doing in there! Stop it!
Me: *in shower* No! I’ve waited all day!
Him: Don’t do it! Get out!
Me: *touching my face* You can’t stop me!
A fun thing about having a sandbox outside your house is that you have one inside too.
Bad weather is My way of temporarily punishing you. Bad climate is your way of permanently punishing you.
MC HAMMER: U can’t touch this! … U can’t touch this!
MASSAGE THERAPIST: Please just let me do my job Mr. Hammer!
MC HAMMER: U can’t tou…