“Contactless is safer”, I tell my husband
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[texting]
Me: meet me at 8 sharpKid: what if I feel salient instead?
Me: just be on time
Kid: or acuminate, maybe cuspidated
Me: are you playing with the thesaurus on your phone again?
Kid: indubitably
*Dad enters room dressed as Han Solo*
“May divorce be with you”
“What?”
“Your mother and I are getting a divorce. I figured I’d make it fun”
“Hey mom can Kyle come over?”
mom: Kyle from your school or Kyle who is really bad at finishing other people’s-
[From outside] LOOFAS!
Wife really liked the “sex anytime, anywhere” coupon I gave her. Probably should have specified “with me”
[movie theater concessions]
Me: ok kiddos we can get popcorn or we can pay for your college.
Kids: POPCORN!
Wife: seriously!?!
Me: [shakes head sadly] they’ve made their choice.
When someone asks what my hobbies are and I try to think of something other than “drinking”
I bet dogs have a really hard time playing Twister
Left paw: grey
Other left paw: darker grey, but not the darkest grey. Sort of in between
Everybody always goes on about how Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back but they never mention how long his arms were
do you feel like your mouse is heavier when you’ve copied something and lighter again once you’ve pasted it or are you normal?
Quit my job a few years ago because my boss was an idiot. Now I’m self-employed. My boss is still an idiot.
It infuriates my wife to see our stuff on the kitchen floor for a few hours but she’s totally fine with a table and chairs being there all year long.
*watching Dateline* wow this is the worst dating show ever
Anyone can wish upon a star, but it takes guts to wish upon the moon. If you don’t aim that wish perfectly it will ricochet off a crater, which is how we lost the dinosaurs
I quit enjoying makeup sex when I realized he looked better in mascara and blush than I do.
In a house with 1,000 bathrooms your kid will only be willing to use the one you’re in, there is nothing you can do to prevent this
“Mommy never mind I’ll ask you later when you’re not scooping the phone out of the toilet.”
– My current favorite child
#MeanwhileInCanada
[staring up at the sky]
ME: what does that cloud look like to you?
11YR OLD DAUGHTER: I’d say it’s a semi-transparent altocumulus, or at least something of the stratocumuliform physical category
ME: well I see a corn dog
Imagine if Trump becomes President and we are invaded by aliens.
Alien: Take us to your leader.
America: *Looks ashamed* Are you sure?
Reset Password
‘CargoAndBoxer’
Your password is two shorts
2022 will be better than 2021
Raised and lowered my arm today so my Fitbit will stop alerting people that I’m dead.
I knew joining a gym was a bad idea when I got there and needed help pulling the door open.
[interrogation]
“What do u do for a living?”
Jewel thief.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Cool beef. I bring hot beef down in temperature.
Amazon prime in the future:
Your baby will be delivered between 1 and 4pm tomorrow
Your baby was left near the front door or porch <photo> How was your delivery?
Society: Let’s give mothers their very own day.
Me: What about sharks?
Society: We’ll give them a whole week.
Software Development ⛵️
You want me to be your daddy? Then close the damn door, we’re not heating the outside!
Life’s not about waiting for the storm to pass, it’s about learning how to Riverdance around a broken bottle of olive oil in aisle 6.
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: it’s a thumbs down
nurse:
me: would not recommend