haha remember when you were a kid you’d hide inside the clothes racks at stores. can’t do that as an adult. someone’s stupid kid is in there
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Her: The world is gonna end in 30 minutes!!! 30 MINUTES!
Me *ordering a pizza* yeah this will be tight, for sure
If they ever invent time travel my dad would still insist on leaving early to avoid traffic
netflix be hiring writers who have literally never had a normal conversation with anyone ever
HUSBAND: Why are you late?
ME: I was at church.
HUSBAND: I find that hard to believe. Did they have a breakfast buffet or something?
Just tried to show my daughter how to jump rope and now I have scrambled eggs where my brain used to be and my left ankle no longer moves. Don’t get old, kids.
“It doesn’t matter what you look like on the outside”
ME: Oh thank god
“It’s who you are on the inside”
ME: Dang
Me: Can I get you a drink? Her: I have a boyfriend. Me: Lady, I’m the bartender.
if I would’ve known that you were going to ask me what I was thinking I wouldn’t have been thinking what I was thinking.
What’s this thing called? I’m going with “boingy boinger”
Me: I can’t work today. There’s a huge ball of fire emitting deadly radiation.Boss: You can’t skip work because it’s sunny.
We’ve run out of coffee so my girlfriend pressured me into knocking next door. So I knocked and awkwardly asked them to go to the shops.
I was dating this guy who took me home to his parents’ house for the weekend and his mom was learning taxidermy and I slept in a room with all her practice chickens
To keep people on their toes, when offered food at an event, I ask “Are there bees in this?”
Mafia boss: “I want him swimming with the fishes!”
*later at the coral reef*
Me: “This is amazing!”
Mafia boss: “Anything for you.”
My friends most commonly describe me as “who?”
Magician: Is this your card?!
Me: Yes! *turns to children and whispers* Go out to my truck and get my shotgun and rock salt. Daddy found himself a demon.
[phone w/ fiancé]
Hey, I can still pick whatever suit I like for the wedding right?
“As long as its black, why?”
*wearing batsuit* No reason
When my friend and I were children, gym class would have us run around the neighborhood. This run would pass my house. We sneak through the back alley into my house and watch TV for 20 minutes and then my dad will drive us back to school. The perfect crime
one time a kid at recess said i couldnt actually dig a hole to china, i said “Watch me” then walked away. i avoided him the rest of the year
The easiest way to confuse a man is to wear a straight jacket that accentuates your cleavage.
A giant rabbit died on a United flight. One man is suspected of foul play. We tried to reach him for comment but he’s being vewy vewy quiet.
I keep getting super sexy tweets with pictures of beautiful women in my “for you” list and I’m starting to wonder if Twitter knows something about my sexuality that I don’t.
My teen said I have a lot of fashionable clothes “because stuff from the 1900s is back in style” and I wonder if that includes washing a sassy teen’s mouth out with soap.
A baby is a horrible paper weight because it just keeps rolling off the desk.
I once watched a documentary on ferns because the remote was out of reach.
Even in a suit, Matthew McConaughey looks like he’s just been rescued after two weeks lost in the desert.
Spent the day at the zoo watching animal parents sleeping. Currently building a cage around my house.
I found something called bath bombs in the cabinet and honestly I had no idea we were even at war with the tub
Me: I’m going to start packing lunch to save money.
Also me: *eats entire lunch in traffic and orders takeout at noon*
When the DJ asks if we are ready to party I sometimes lie & say yes even though I really need like 10 min to get ready