The cable guy was on my street and asked me what time it was.
I told him it’s between 8am and 12pm.
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ME: Hey bro you got toilet paper?
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Yeah [slides me toilet paper]
ME: No I don’t need any I’m just checking.
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Why?
ME: Because I care.
Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed
Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.
My plan for quarantine: only let one child in the house at a time.
The reviews for Cats are in (17% on rotten tomatoes), and they are spectacular.
We had to cut our 2yo off from YouTube. Like any addict, he hasn’t responded well to going cold turkey but his irises aren’t red anymore so that’s good news.
One advantage of looking creepy is people tend to avoid conversations with you.
Mom. Dad. I like my coffee like I like my women. I don’t like coffee. I’m gay.
Dear ghosts,
If you can move stuff around and flicker lights then you can use a mop
How DARE you go the speed limit in a situation like this…
~Me, to anyone with the audacity to be in front of me when I’m running late.
Guy pitching Stuart Little: So this family adopts a kid and the whole story is about the new kid learning what it is to have a family and be loved
Producer: That sounds beautiful
Guy: The new kid is also a rat
I hate it when my 4th grader doesn’t get an 100% on her school project.
I mean, I really worked on it.
Me: I have to go to a funeral.
Her: Oh, I’m so sorry. Who died?
Me: One of my clients… It’s a business funeral, not a pleasure funeral.
Fitness friend: Do you know what you’re putting in your body?
*flashes back to ex
*shudders
I don’t always leave the house, but when I do I shouldn’t.
Spice up grocery lists for your partner:
Im so thirsty- juice
Make my mop wet- shampoo
I only moo for you- you get the idea
No matter how stupid you feel, remember, Little Red Riding Hood couldn’t figure out a talking wolf in drag wasn’t her grandmother
If I can’t use finger puppets during my acceptance speech, then you can keep your Oscar.
Hey, cooking directions on the sides of packages: Nobody knows the wattage of their microwave.
[ultrasound]
DOCTOR: oh my god!
HER: what’s wrong?
DOCTOR: Ok don’t panic but it looks as though you swallowed a baby
Coca Cola: Because drinking black water seems like a solid life choice.
A survey found one in five women have ended a relationship because their significant other was too busy playing video games.
It’s so annoying when attractive people say they’re ugly just to get compliments from people, ugh if I weren’t so ugly I’d do the same thing
Why do people ask “what the hell were you thinking”? Obviously, I was thinking I was gonna get away with it and not have to explain it
[first day in hell]
hostess: welcome to hell. please take a seat
waiter: *pouring wine* your steak will be out shortly, sir
me: wow this isn’t so bad
group of waiters approaching in distance: happpppy bir-
I told my aunt I love cooking with my Instapot, and judging by these edible recipes she just sent me she may have misunderstood.
“I just can’t help myself!”
—paramedic on his deathbed
Wife: Did u load the dishw-
Me: [slowly turning into a dog]
Wife: you can’t just animorph your way out of every argu–aww who’s a good boy?!
You know why some people wear socks with sandals?Cos they’ve never been punched in the head for it.If you see an offender,do the right thing
i’m very suspicious about solar panels. they sit outside sunbathing and they. make energy? yet when i do that i just become a big red freckle? something odd is going on here and it makes me uncomfortable
Waitress: ‘Do u have any questions about the menu?’
Me: ‘What kind of font is this?’