Christmas note to self: too much tequila makes tinsel look tasty.
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Sorry I was late. The only open lane was the chatty cashier and I had to just put everything back
Just saw a restaurant that was Japanese/Italian fusion and I can’t think of anything I want less than cheesy noodle sushi.
I was supposed to be abducted in ‘03 but my chain wallet got caught on a fire hydrant and they beamed up the squirrel I was feeding instead. God speed tiny ambassador of earth.
Waiter: Here is your salmon.
Me: I didn’t order this
Waiter: it’s from the gentleman at the bar
*I look over at the bar and a grizzly bear winks and lifts his glass*
i hate when my friend starts dating an idiot and i have to be like how could you bring this man into our lives
interviewer: what’s your biggest strength?
me: flattery
interviewer: uh ok and your biggest weakness?
me: that smile
interviewer: 😳
*dipping a tortilla chip into an active volcano*
Me: This salsa is spicy
ME: Remember Lake Geneva?
WIFE: Please, not this again.
ME: Those were good TINES.
WIFE: Will this ever get old?
ME: Not a FORKING chance.
WIFE: It’s annoying and stupid.
ME: Those are valid POINTS.
WIFE: Enough.
ME: Can’t HANDLE it?
WIFE: I mean it.
ME: Do my jokes make UTENSIL?
when my daughter is mad she points at me and delivers what I can only assume is a gypsy curse
a great headline for when there is a world wide fresh water shortage will be “water we gonna do??” we will need the laughs
I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12, and my body possibly died during the civil war.
You really dropped the ball today Ted. You’re fired.
“Please, no. I can try harder.”
You operate a wrecking crane, man. People died.
Whenever І wake up and see that someone has wrіtten a bunch of funny tweets before noon, І assume they are a mornіng drіnker.
i think my idea of romance stems from 1957, when men were men and women leaned seductively against juke boxes
[inventing the knife] What if a stick was mad
If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,
OH GOD WHY?!?
Have you ever had to call the landlord to ask for some caulk? How would you word that?
“Got any drugs or alcohol on you?”
“yup, I’m all set. Thanks Officer”
I remember when I was younger and I picked this girl up from her house, her dad answered the door and was like “have her back by 2200 hours” and I didn’t know military time but I was ok at maths and was like “sure, see you in 3 months”
LIFE HACK: give ur next child a normal name
ME: are u still mad that ur mother and i named u Life Hack
*applies for million dollar grant to test scientific theory*
What’s your theory?
That money can buy happiness.
Me: Honey, I left work early to pick up the kids!
Wife: But we d..
*I arrive into the kitchen with two small goats
Meet Frank and Dolores
I don’t understand how people use plastic wrap successfully.
Enter Sandman is my favourite song about why I don’t have sex on the beach.
Bad weather is My way of temporarily punishing you. Bad climate is your way of permanently punishing you.
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
Me: Twitter isn’t as enjoyable anymore. So frustrating
Therapist: Why don’t you stop using it
Me: Then I’d have to come here every day and tell you my tweets
Therapist: absolutely not
Husband confiscated my credit card last week. The news just said that Amazon stock is down.
THIS IS ALL HIS FAULT.
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
Standing in the boys clothes section at Kohls waiting for my wife. I just realized I look creepy. Better move to the little girls section.