I’m perfectly happy to listen to the opinion of anyone who agrees with me.
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Him: What’s in your secret sauce?
Me: My feelings for you.
*wink wink*Him: I knew it tasted weird.
*seductively feeding you chicken wings while you hit on a hot chick
“I’m sorry, I really don’t know what a wingman is supposed to do.”
Obama sure is waiting until the last minute to take everyone’s guns.
My cooking show would just be an hour of me looking for Tupperware lids.
I’ll make you feel safe in that you’ll know you can outrun me if we are being chased by a murderer.
I dont smoke, but still wanna take smoke breaks, so I go outside with everyone then just stand there with a lit birthday candle in my mouth.
Babybel you stay on my mind
fulfill my fanta-cheese.
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day, desserts are the second most important.
How did you know I was a member of Al Qaida? Was it my knees? Do I have terrorist’s knees? Oh, the bomb. Not the knees then? That’s good.
my dad didn’t let me date untill i was pregnant…
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant I tell the people coming in “I recommend the squirrel”.
Tried belly dancing but ended up looking like an insect about to die.
I refuse to use the self-checkout isle at a store. What I will do is occasionally post up at the exit and ask to check shoppers receipts. If I’m gonna work at your store for free, I’m picking my own position.
*puts pancakes over eyes like cucumber slices*
omg your honor why are you like obsessed with my client
interviewer: we like to think of ourselves as a family. we like to have fun.
me: well, which is it?
[at office Halloween party]
Me: *walks in*
Diane: *faints*
Boss: *drops wine glass*
Kyle: *winks*
Bob: Hey…your hospital gown is on backwards
I try to kill that fly in the house five or six times and then just open the storm door and let him fly away. It was never personal.
I never understood “spidey sense.” The last 400 spiders I threw a shoe at didn’t see it coming.
Visitor squirming: what am I sitting on?
Me: I forgot to get meat out to thaw for supper
*hears robber in house*
If anybody is there.. I have Updog & I’m not afraid to use it.
“What’s Updog?”
Not too much haha you?
“Robbing you”
Just ate an order of cheese fries and smoke started coming out of my Fitbit.
i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial district & all i could think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”
Never forget.
King-sized beds: Because you both want to sleep on the same mattress, but not in the same zip code.
Owl: Pretty cool having an owl drive your Uber, huh?
Me: Please face the front
Lawns are weird. Let’s grow 7000 of the same thing and nothing else.
Parents that need to reheat coffee are adorable.
Hardened parents will chug it cold, or chew straight up coffee grounds; they’re desperate.
the pandemic has hit the spaghetti labor market especially hard
Things will get butter, keep churning