wow my top song this year was my upset tummy sounding like a car driving on gravel
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Remember that the most popular man in the village was its idiot.
I’m totally fine with everyone leaving the country if Trump wins or if Hillary wins. I need more space
Squirrels: 1,538
My dogs: -17
Full confession: I’ve begun taking an hour a week to destress by soaking in tub with bath salts while listening to classical music.
And it would work if that little voice in my head wouldn’t say each time, “This is the exact setup in a movie where someone is violently murdered.”
If being sexy is a crime then I’m not committing one.
Just finished cleaning and can’t find the kids.
“Easy Come, Easy Go” – My clinic name if I ever become a urologist.
FUN FACT: baby penguins fit perfectly into a T-shirt cannon.
To everyone with a motorcycle: your motorcycle is very loud & we are all very proud of you.
Welcome to your 40’s. You now have to second guess your age as you can’t believe you’re that old
I tried to renew my subscription to a magazine & somehow duplicated the subscription. After finally canceling one, I did so, & now at the same name & the same *address* I simultaneously receive both a copy of the magazine & “we’d love for you to resubscribe” letters every month.
Happy Thanksgiving!!! (Penny wanted to dress up as a “Fancy Turkey”… Pls nobody tell her!!)
Me: The new guy’s a lumberjack?
Boss: Yep
Me: He seems nice…
Boss: STOP
Me: I’ll bet he’s good at…
Boss: DONT
Me: random axe of kindness
For the record, I love my children unconditionally and no amount of diarrhea will ever change that.
Probably.
[first day in prison]
ME: so whatcha in for?
HUGE CELLMATE [menacingly]: beating up nerds who ask too many questions
ME: how many is too many?
HUGE CELLMATE: one
ME: oh no
Welcome to your 40s. Your ability to be sneaky will now be hindered by your bones cracking when you walk.
Probably just poor graphic design…
Still not gonna drink from it.
I’m not trying to seduce you, I’m just very bad at eating
[spelling bee]
Judge: Your word is McConaughey
McConaughey.
M-C-C-O-N-A-U-G-H-E-Y, McConaughey.
Did I get it?Judge: We have no idea
I wish I had the determination of my wife who’s still flipping through radio stations as we pull into our driveway.
Dave’s coming over
“Dave from work or loud and obvious Dave?”
[outside]
THE RAIN HAS MADE ME WET. I AM WEARING PANTS. MY EYES ARE BLINKING
Everyone was naming their favourite French movie and I couldn’t think of one so I just said “Ze Hurt Lockair”.
Fertility group: We need some brochures about some really serious topics.
Graphic designer who is a birder on the weekend: You got it, chief.
Technically, setting someone on fire is burning calories.
I’ll take your LEAST sexual soup.
The single greatest thing I’ve done as a parent is convince my kids that Twix are gross and that they should give them all to me.
Happy Halloween!
My credit card was declined and when I called Visa they asked me to verify that I was a 39 year old man buying a unicorn frappuccino.
willy wonka: it’s a factory, accidents happen
me: ok but your employees sang about it…in detail
willy wonka: lol that was sick righ-
me: there was choreography, it…it rhymed
willy wonka:
me: how did- how could they have prepared
mom: what’d you do today?
christopher robin: the pantsless bear in crop top needed my help cuz he got covered in honey and stuck in a hole
mom: …okay maybe no more going to the woods alone for awhile.
Protect yourself from bank failures by not having any money in the first place