My toddler just woke up and went to the pantry to get herself Doritos for breakfast.
Apparently she’s ready to be a teenager now.
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Date: do you wanna come up for coffee?
Me: no thanks. I hate stairs
Date: coffee means sex
Me: how many stairs?
The officer said, “you drinking?” I said, “you buying?” We just laughed and laughed.
I need bail money.
Love is a can of soda. Open it up too fast & it explodes all over you. Take too long, it goes flat. But no matter what you should recycle.
Billy Joel’s Friend: bill i hate that we’ve kept this from you, but.. we started the fire
Billy Joel: and you just LET me write that song?
I bet the person who named the fireplace also named the waterfall
I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
If Twitter is a rave then Facebook is a Tupperware party.
It’s hilarious when movies are like, “you will get training for 2 or 3 months and be the greatest fighter who has ever lived.”
#rubbishjokes
How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?None – it’s a hardware problem.
What
Ariana Grande is what happens if you feed a Bratz doll after midnight.
Don’t know what this myth is about cell usage blowing up a gas pump. I’m filling my tank right now. See? It’s no big de
“I better pee first.”
– me, before doing anything
My kid sold your honor student a quarter ounce of oregano.
I think it’s funny when parents get actually mad at people for call themselves a dog mom it’s like yeah no duh it’s not the same thing people actually like their dogs
I love watching people parallel park. It’s like a sporting event for me. There’s betting and snacks, I call friends to go over the highlights, and shout tips at the car. Don’t be fooled though, I am 100% rooting for you to fail
The word “defenestration” means “to throw someone out a window.” Which means this happens so often we needed a word for it.
According to my iPhone 6, I could commit a heinous crime, without using gloves, and have a different fingerprint just minutes later
DJ VAN HELSING: this one goes out to my boy, Drac
DRACULA: *rolls eyes* oh here we go
DJ VAN HELSING: *plays Man in the Mirror*
*maintains eye contact*
*leaves with Drac’s girl*
“Behold, a 3 headed cat” “um, its just 3 cats taped together” “Behold, a 12 legg…*tape rips, one cat runs away*..errr 8 legged cat.”
[at the pet store]
Me: is this all the animals?
Owner: what you see is what we got
Me: damn, i was looking for a chameleon
no i don’t want to allow notifications from your online publication. no one HAS ever wanted to allow notifications from your online publication and no one WILL ever wanted to allow notifications from your online publication. weirdass
Jesus: saw that facebook event “last supper”… looks good but whys it called the “last supper” ?
Judas: oh.. No reason really
Putting tape over my webcam so the hackers can’t watch me take unreasonably large bites of food.
Monday: forearms
Wednesday: forearms
Friday: forearms
Sunday: forearms
–Popeye’s gym schedule
is Kristen Stewart a Vulcan
A cop pulled me over because he thought I was talking on a cell phone but really I was just rubbing a slice of pizza on the side of my face
Don’t hate the PLAYA… hate the Spanish word for beach.
Tried to sleep by reading a boring book and now it’s suddenly the most interesting book.
Me: Can I have a gin and tonic?
Them: Sir, this is an elementary school party.
Me: Fine. MAY I have a gin and tonic?