I could tell by the scowl on her face that her patience and botox were wearing thin.
You Might Also Like
Apparently “will work for food” doesn’t involve hunting.
I don’t understand how spending more money than i earn is irresponsible. i’m giving more than i take. i’m generous.
I wouldn’t trust someone as far as I could throw them
[throws someone]
ok, we can trust that baby
Fell down the stairs and my 5yo complained, that it was so loud. I told him, i would fall more quietly next time and he looked at me like i was very stupid and said”Just don’t fall at all!” I was glad that he provided this solution!
Autocorrect changed “I’ll see you in a while” to “I’ll see you in a hole”, and now I’m being questioned by the police.
[aquarium]
me: look at the chorse
wife: it’s seahorse
me: i know how to spell chorse linda
Stegosaurus: We’re getting reports of a huge asteroid. A global killer. We need a volunteer deep-core driller to destroy it
T-Rex: As the world’s best deep-core driller, I will save us all
[cut to T-Rex furiously trying to pick up the detonator he dropped]
IF THEY’RE THE GREATEST GENERATION WHY CAN’T EITHER OF MY PARENTS REMEMBER THEIR FACEBOOK PASSWORDS?!
So a 12 year old told me it’s a good idea to have a bourbon cake. I’ll take no questions at this time.
Who else does this?
1. wets toothbrush
2. puts toothpaste on toothbrush
3. wets toothbrush again
4. does backflip on to huge pile of money
*I see my life flash before my eyes
*it pauses to buffer
I love going to Costco and pretending like I’ve never tried the food they’re sampling, like what’s an “Oreo”
Your 20s: stop eating bread for 1 day, lose 5 pounds
Your 40s: stop eating for 1 day, gain 5 pounds
Him: “Do you want to cuddle?”
Me: “Yeah, let me call the dog.”
Me: my wife says I catastrophize everything
Therapist: *chuckling* how is she doing?
Me: I don’t know she hasn’t returned my texts for over five minutes I think she’s dead
extrovert: want to come out with us
me: i’ll let you no.
H: I’m going to the strip club tonight.
M: okay
H: That’s it, okay?
M: Sure, just remember who prepares your food.
H: What?
M: What?
I don’t use chocolate chip cookies to solve my problems, only treat the symptoms.
I’m not saying I’m a hero, but I did just give a bottle of wine mouth to mouth.
It didn’t make it.
I created you as mosquito food.
Twitter: Where if the chemistry’s good, the geography won’t be..
My son will never know the thrill of illegally downloading Thong Song on napster and waiting 1h39m for it to download
No matter how much I shake my phone, you still won’t come out. Are you stuck? I think you’re stuck.
Apparently I was involved in a class action lawsuit against AT&T. Anyway, I just got a check for $1.33 if anyone wants to party.
I feel a little cheated when someone’s bio is in English but all their tweets are written in gobblety gobblety.
My organization style can be best described as “just don’t look in that room.”
I waited around all morning for the mailman so I could grab his hand through the mail slot.
All I’m saying is, no word’s meaning changes more as you age than the word party.
Haven’t exercised in so long that my Fitbit just sent me a friend request.
[goes up to girl after symphony concert] Hey girl, you sounded real good tonight. I’m a huge fan of the…*looks at her clarinet*…e-cig.