Don’t get it. Heard the phrase “keep your friends clothes & keep your enemies clothes, sir”. Now I have a bunch of naked people angry at me.
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[first date with a skeleton]
ME: So um… have you always been a skeleton?
HER: No, in high school I was a-
ME: Wait, no-
HER: Skeleteen.
Just a little reminder..
If mushrooms can grow through shit, so can you.So can you!
wife: [walks in door] so whats the big news?
-the baby walked!
wife: OMG where is he?
-i sent him to the store for an ice cream cake
*pulls out 50 inch TV*
What? It’s really a phone.
If a turkey got murdered, the chalk outline would look like a giant preschooler’s hand.
him: does this pillow feel lumpy
me: [sneaking a handful of shredded cheese out of the pillowcase] seems fine to me
The back half of my duplex apparently has been rented out and they just arrived in two pick up trucks decked out in chamoflague wearing chamoflague. I also might not know how to spell that word.
sometimes. i will yawn really big. and soon after. the human will also yawn. i have yet to decide. what to do with my powers
Those are not the screams of an animal caught in a bear trap, they’re the bleatings of a dog banished to the back yard and rendering her unable to run assist with the repairman.
me: babe theres a surprise for you under the christmas tree
my cat: *whispering* and also within
I just had a guy explain maps to me. He handed me a map and said, “This is a map. You use it to locate things.”
I didn’t know what to say so I replied, “These are my shoes. I am going to use them to walk away now.”
[speaking at funeral]
Deceased’s brother: there’s no words to describe the anguish we all feel right now
Me: what about ‘anguish’?
This is amazing.
Choose your fighter
Life is like a box of chocolates,
The good ones are always gone before I get there!
[inventing the grinch] santa needs a wario
[answers phone during job interview]
What’s the address here? The Pizza Hut guy can’t find me.
My Favorite Chops:
1. Karate
2. Judo
3. Pork
friend: vending machines kill more people per year than sharks
me, swimming in the ocean and a vending machine is coming right at me: oh no
Maybe jesus needs me in his life
I’ve hated dentists way before they started killing lions.
OPTOMETRIST: Better or worse? Better or worse?
ME: You don’t *have* to talk during sex
Dinner: I BIT THE INSIDE OF MY MOUTH! IT WILL NEVER HEAL! NOTHING WILL EVER BE RIGHT AGAIN!
Next morning: Oh, OK.
When I was growing up, “Deadpool” was just what we called our neighbors’ hot tub after he mysteriously drowned in it.
Using “Hello” as a greeting
– boring
– uninspired
– predictableUsing “Hiya” as a greeting
– casually playful
– conveys enthusiasm
– leaves door open for karate
Me: [trying to put on pants]
Apple Watch: Would you like to log this workout?
Stop pronouncing it “pecan.” Everyone knows it’s “pecan.”
In a job interview, you can always respond to an awkward question with a deep gaze and parted lips, followed by “You complete me.”
KID: what do geese do at night
PARENT: good question
GOOSE(in a surveillance van): [spits out coffee] dammit we’re running out of time
if your name is Christy and you’re fighting a custody battle in Orlando. fire your lawyer bc I found your whole case file at the bar last night.