Something we don’t talk about enough re: climate change is that it will eventually get so hot that the goth lifestyle will become unsustainable, which means humanity’s most precious resource- hot goth chicks- will be extinct by 2040
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Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
3 yr old: I love lemonade, I’m so excited, I’ve never tried it
-the mind of a toddler is a mysterious place
wife: Get your hand out of your pants
toddler: Sorry
son: Sorry
me: Sorry
I’m at a legal conference called “Divorce on the Beach.”
My 9 yr old asked where my husband and I were going and I said, “Divorce on the Beach,” and he looked me straight in the eye and said, “Awww that’s too bad.”
What’s the biggest problem you have with your name?
My biggest problem?
Me: “Hi, I’m Marcus. Nice to meet you.”
Business people: “Hi, Marcus. Do you go by Mark?”
Me: “No. If I did then don’t you think I’d introduce myself as that?”
“What’s your name?”
“Who’s your daddy?”
“Is he rich like me?”These “reset your password” questions are getting kind of weird.
*eats nothing but junk food for 3 weeks straight*
OMG is bellyache a symptom?!
I call bullshit on vampires that look all sexy and shit when they can’t even see their reflection
I’m a female historian who specializes in war atrocities, check out my blog “The War Atrocity Babe”
WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* uh oh
WIFE (points at my google search for “cry orbs with layers”): how the hell do you forget the word “onion”
I made the mistake of telling my kids “effort is all that matters” and now they tell me that every time I cook
This bottle of vodka was on sale.
So yes, I will party like it’s $19.99.
Abstinence makes the church grow fondlers.
Trapped on a train in the snow, and honestly, none of these people look appetizing.
I want to be in a heavy metal band just so I can scream terrible things at crowds of people and not be accused of having PMS.
Me: I’ve finally finished that jigsaw puzzle!
Her: YOU DRUNK! It took you 6 months!
Me: On the box it said 2 to 4 years!
My Jehovahs Witness coworker got mad when I started calling him the “Knock-topus” after he spilled ink all over his shirt
A poor analogy is like a bad comparison
Me: This relationship feels very transactional.
Cashier: You gonna buy the gum or what??
the cvs cashier asked me how im doing as i put some diarrhea medicine on the counter. “not great man ive got diarrhea” i told him
listen, Geppetto made a marionette to replace his dead son, so technically Pinocchio is “mourning wood.”
Store was out of the size I requested, so this was their substitute and now I gotta open a diner
*burglar breaks in*
*i reach into my nightstand drawer, get my phone, & take his picture*
Burglar: No I have a double chin!
Me: I’ll post it
*climbs Mt. Everest hoping to find clarity, PEACE & a deeper understanding of myself & the world*
“When did they put a Starbucks up here?”
The Dungeons and Dragons movie should kill off a character only to have the party meet a NEW character played by the same actor in the next scene
#dnd
You know you’re a real a&&**** when you go in for a colonoscopy and come out with a sore throat.
[i fall down the stairs & break my back]
Me: Siri, call me 911
Siri: okay.. I will call you 911 from now on
Me: haha nice
Siri: thanks 911
CROCODILE: Your shoes are gross
ME [looks down at my green crocs] uh yeah. They’re horrible
CROCODILE: Have they got a name?
ME: what
CROCODILE: What do you call them?
ME: uh
CROCODILE: SAY IT
[scene of wreck]
cop: do you want an ambulance
me: no I’ll probably just buy another car
Me: *digging a hole* Sorry, honey. Just following the social distancing orders.
Him: It’s six feet APART, not under.
Me: Just get in.