Twitter yesterday: We are outraged about the lion!
Twitter today: We are outraged about the outrage about the lion!
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“College looks so fun I bet your camera roll is insane”
My camera roll:
If your 8 year old steps on the back of my shoe one more time, I’m going to tell him that Santa isn’t real.
70% of playing catch with my boys is just them waiting until I yawn to chuck the ball directly at my face.
i like when people have names where clearly their parents couldn’t decide between two and they just have to live with Jennica
anything is an appetizer if you eat more food after
Concierge: Welcome to Paris, monsieur.
Me: You recognize this man?
*slides photo*
Concierge: That’s Pepe le Pew.
Me: If you see him you call me. *leans in* My cat’s been taken.
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back, it’s because no one else wanted them.
The most common things I say to my kids, by store:
Grocery store: “No, you don’t need more candy.”
Toy store: “No, you don’t need more toys.”
Hardware store: “No, you don’t need a nail gun.”
Even though it’s a quarantine you still need to shave your legs or deal with stubble and snagging your sheets.
I saw an audiologist today, but I think I’ll get a second opinion. Why on earth would I need a heron egg?
Me: *trying to swallow a pill for 30 minutes* I’ve done it. Nope. It’s still in my mouth.
Morpheus: You probably aren’t the One.
My ancestry DNA results came back: 100% German pancake batter
The love I feel for my family is always constant. My tolerance is another matter.
Whose idea was it to call him Michael Phelps and not Swimothy?
Me: Yo! It’s so quiet, what’s everyone doing?
Boss: uh, working
Me: again?
Boss: …
Boss: I had a dream about you last night.
Me: You’re welcome? Excuse me, I have to go and die now.
[an octopus seeing a snake for the first time]
OMG a foot!
In hell, you have to watch my son fold laundry.
Due to the current economic situation, I’ve decided to start a dating site for chickens.
It’s not my full time job.
I’m just doing it to make hens meet.
-commercial break-
Husband: *silent*
-fight scene-
Husband: *completely and utterly silent*
-quiet dialogue scene-
Husband: so let me tell you about the history of rockets
“There’s no eye in Teams” I exclaim turning off my laptop camera
When you’re married, every kiss begins with, “Have you brushed your teeth yet?”
Easily distracted by chicken salad sandwiches
Airbnb owner: Before you check out can you start the dishwasher, put on a load of laundry, do my taxes, and renovate the bathroom?
Me:
So I just found some ham in my purse. How thoughtful of drunk me.
Do not worry.
I will take your secrets to my grave.
But, oh, how crowded it will be in the coffin.
When I worked at a bookstore, I learned that when an author like Dean Koontz signs his books, their resale value goes up.
I also learned that when an author like Stephen King signs Dean Koontz’s books, the price goes even higher and that Dean Koontz is not amused by this.
If the US ever decides to change its currency from the dollar to the unmatched tupperware lid I’ll be a very wealthy man.
When I awoke from the car accident in a full bodycast, my wife was right at my bedside to let me know that childbirth is still more painful.
gross i hate the word moist! give me a wet cake. give me a wet, damp cupcake