“I wondered if I could use a study room that’s private and out of the line of sight where nobody can see or hear what I’m doing in there.”
“Well, since you put it that way, absolutely not.”
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When I see a job ad that doesn’t have salary listed I send them a resume with my whole work history redacted
HIM: I wanna be more than friends.
ME: You wanna be BEST friends?
Only God can judge me.
*gets hit by lightning*
At this point my intestine is just a water slide for tacos.
HBO decided to rename themselves “Max” instead of so many other solid guy names like “Kevin” or “Brian”.
Lost my watch at a party once. I saw a guy step on it while harassing a girl. I walked up and punched him straight on the nose. I said: No one does that to a girl…not on my watch.
Doctor: serious side effects of this medication can include death
Me: I’ll take it
Fridges are proof that it’s what’s inside that matters and not how you look like on the outside.
I ate 4 lunch ladies before someone explained that’s not what they’re for.
hitman: [about to jump out of my closet]
me: [walks in wearing nothing but a cowboy hat] alexa play dancing queen
hitman:
I have an important question about the movie CATS which will ultimately determine whether or not I see it:
At any point in the film does one of the CATS cats sit in a cardboard box that is a little too small for them
I like that they snuck the word “strum” right in the middle of “instrument”
There’s no need to use military time with me. I’m pretty sure I won’t show up for the pizza party at 5 am, ya nerd.
me when i see my girls butt
I’d be more inclined to grow up if I saw that it worked out for everyone else
I’m going to start using Twitter like Google, because I need answers to tough questions.
Are pepperoni and Rice-a-Roni related?
My mom licked her thumb and wiped a smudge on my face in public today, and now I have an urge to eat all my vegetables and go to bed at 8.
If every day is a gift, I’m going to return some of them. Store credit is fine.
A woman was arrested when her boyfriend’s body was found in a freezer in their living room. Who the hell puts a freezer in the living room?
My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his birthday cake in the break room fridge.
He’s completely wrong. It wasn’t my finger.
I can’t prove it, but from the sound of it, I’m pretty sure there’s an injured dolphin stuck in my dishwasher.
Good morning Twitter. It’s been 43 minutes since my last confession…
Why does laundry happen to good people?
Brb my Sims are getting married
[at Starbucks]
ME: One large starbuck please.
BARISTA: Sir, that’s not even a-
ME: Sorry, one venti starbuck please.
Me: You’re adopted
Ted: What? How long have I been a dop
The boys I nanny for just asked me where I work and I didnt have the heart to tell them their parents pay me to hang out with them so now they think I work at Chili’s
Which sounds more foreboding, Impending Doom or Imminent Demise, I want this wedding toast to be memorable.
Life doesn’t do much to prepare you for when a coworker gets bangs and asks what you think of her hair.
[call]
MOM: please be safe in the snowstorm.
ME: idgaf about snow i’m a gangster.
MOM: what?
ME: i said thanks for calling i love you.