the women in tampon commercials should switch places with the women in antidepressant commercials
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[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a light grey
Me: …
My dog: if that helps
I thought that raisin on the floor was a bug and then I thought that’s gross, someone brought raisins in my house.
[Interviewing to be a mortician]
Do you have any experience handling dead bodies?-Well I get my sleepy kids ready for school every day.
*God creating Eminem*
This one will really hate his mom, but also be really obsessed with her spaghetti.
2020 was the worst escape room I’ve ever done.
“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut
Pro tip: when you’re on your way home, don’t answer your phone.
Someone wants you to stop at the store.
I wonder if all the other popcorn kernels in the bag freak out when the first kernel pops
Pride & Prejudice is a classic love story about a woman falling in love with a giant house, and learning to overcome her prejudice and distrust (because of said house)
It’s not a bad movie if you fell asleep because clearly you needed a nap, not a movie.
My dog must think that the mailman just can’t take a hint
[at the gym]
wheat: *flexing* you like what you see babe?
*shredded wheat walks by*
wheat: SONOFA
ferris wheel technician: i think i see the problem.
me: oh good what is it.
ferris wheel technician: you put the wheel on sideways.
me: haha whoops.
Trip to the grocery store ended with 9 pledging to run away because we bought watermelon cubes, not slices like she wanted, in case there’s any Hallmark family movie writers out there looking for a new story line.
“So hell isn’t too bad,” I say from the podium. “I just keep teaching?”
“Actually…” said a demon
“Actually…” said another
“ACTUALLY…”
hey guys I’m having a tough time deciding who to believe. On one hand, the most prestigious doctors in the world are saying COVID-19 is something to take very seriously. But at the same time, this guy I went to high school with who “sees through the media” says otherwise. help 🥺
“…This one is TOO big. This one is JUST right.”
-my daughter, picking out her preferred public toilet.
Me: I want a snack.
Husband: You could have veggies.
Me: …I have never felt less heard in this marriage than I do now.
My family said if I don’t get a Facebook, they’d all get a Twitter
I sacrificed myself for all of twitter kind
I’m the Jesus of social media
Me: Your hair smells so good. Which shampoo is that?
My Boss: This is inappropriate
Me: Your skin is so…
My Boss:*Turns off shower* OUT!
Fishing for compliments like “I’m a mess in this photo that I took all morning to get the right angle and filter and after 50 selfies this is me”.
On date night my wife took me to a place where you make your own pottery. I made an urn.
I wish I was 7’9″ so my BMI would be normal
greys anatomy is so unrealistic. there is no way you can have sex in a place that smells like a hospital
i forgot my date’s name so i took her to Starbucks
daughter: there’s a monster under my bed
me: why do you think that?
daughter: because when i stick my foot out of the cover the monster grabs it
me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?
son: *sighs* yes
me: did you see a monster under there
{Horses on a road trip passing my house}
HORSE 1: *Points at me in my yard* Human.
Yes, curling is silly and basically janitorial work, but that guy’s gonna have a gold medal, and all you’ll have is your joke about curling.
Tonight we’re cooking together, period. I’ll serve the cereal, you pour the milk
Might be time to get in shape. Halfway up these stairs and I’m considering setting up base camp and trying again in the morning.