You said I could have my way with you. If you didn’t want me to experiment with gas and fire, you should’ve been more specific.
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Renovated the kids bathroom and installed a bathroom ventilation fan with a Bluetooth speaker. Now I just need to find the perfect creepy audio of a ghost screeching “Get Out!” for when they take too long in the shower.
Squirrel Thoughts
They’re just poppy seeds Kevin I don’t need an intervention.
Cashier: you’re 8 cents short
Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide
Cashier: no
Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times and I’m not sure if the shame alternates or if it’s still me.
Who called it laughing gas and not comical weapon?
[sees co-worker the next day after failing to kill him on purge night] mondays am i right?
[How salad was created]
You know, it would taste better if there was more of us.
– Single piece of lettuce
Next on Fox News, men on women’s issues, white men on black issues, rich men discuss the poor and straight men talk about gays.
*stares into the abyss
The Abyss: Okay you’re kind of freaking me out.
[First day as an exterminator]
Me: *pointing to giant, dead mouse on floor* He won’t be bothering you anymore.
Chuck E. Cheese Manager: OH MY GOD
Some vampires adopt common dog names so that people will accidentally call them inside.
Each second of this is more amazing than the last
me: there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: shut up gary, I know what they’re for
God is on our side because we invented him. And if he wavers we’ll invent another one.
Vet: “I can see the head…
…here’s the neck…
…more neck…
…more neck…
…neck…
…neck…
…neck…
…still more neck…
…neck…
…it’s a giraffe!”
When we were dating my wife never once tried to take any of my hoodies. I have 3 teenage daughters and my hoodies are nowhere to be found.
I never saw it coming. Well played ladies.
we baptize all our dinosaurs just in case all that catholic shit turns out to be true
[Hall of Justice]
Aquaman: How do you expect me to ignite the TNT below Kaiser’s floating fortress?
Waterproof Match Man: Maybe I can help.
Kids movies really made me believe that the greatest threats on earth were dogcatchers and quicksand
I thanked my husband for favoriting one of my tweets and he said: ‘Ya that was an accident.’
CW: It’s 11:11 make a wish.
Me: I wish I could throw a clock at your face.
Congrats, you’ve been selected for the job
Me: Whats the salary?
10k now and will increase to 25k later
Me: Ok then, I will come later
Her: No filter!
Me: Add one tho
*gets neck cracked by Chiropractor*
Hey I didn’t know our necks turned like an Owls
me: [tries to spend time with kids. They don’t want to]
[Bed time]
Kids: I wanna do something with you! You don’t spend time with us!!
The Weeknd is back
Remember the days we could get out of bed without looking like a newborn pony trying to walk?
Good times.
I don’t let my husband pick up the groceries right now because I’m worried he’ll taste freedom and never come back.
Jaws 2 (1978): after the sudden death of his father, a young shark is forced to take over the family business in a seaside resort.