(Halloween Costume Shop)
ME: *leaving after not finding anything*
CASHIER: *pointing to my face* Those masks aren’t free, buddy.
You Might Also Like
If you date someone working for the federal government and then break up, does he become FedEx? #oksorry
[slips wedding dj a 5] got any korn
*walks into gym, tags my location on Facebook, leaves*
No one believes you’re just hanging around in lingerie. Go put on an oversized T shirt and yoga pants like the rest of us.
If anyone wants a tiger let me know. I bought one but he’s being a d-bag and won’t wear the matching sunglasses I bought us.
Our security system revealed that a black cat arrives at our house every night around 10pm. It then sits on our front stoop all night and leaves around 5am. There is only one logical explanation: I am going to Hogwarts soon.
Sex with me is like going to the movies. It’s dark & very loud. Bring candy. You can never predict the ending. Some people leave early.
She took one of the many decoy hoodies that I leave strategically around my place. She never even came close to my true inventory.
My phone charger is lying in another room, HELP.
My psychiatrist and I had a major breakthrough.
Now he can hear the voices too.
if I eat the entire box of girl scout cookies at once then I’ll only hate myself one time instead of each time I eat them do the math sweetie
Friend: Those are really big sprinkles on your cupcake.
Me: They’re ibuprofen.
What is going on here?
Is Rudolph using a magnifying glass to turn his nose into a raygun?
And who is the reindeer brandishing the cane?
What does a robot do during a one night stand?
He nuts and bolts
Turns out that the best way to find a flat head screw driver is to pretend to look for a phillips one.
Spiraling into madness while watching the slow texter’s dots bounce
This guy just told me I have beautiful eyes.
Well, he said they were pretty…
Ok, he said “Healthy & no change since your last visit.”
Does it sound ridiculous? Yes. Did I get a sports injury from eating too many tacos? Also yes.
Took a woman back to my apartment last night. She was disgusted and refused to come inside. Oh sure, it’s cool when the Ninja Turtles live in the sewer…
Welcome to twitter, someone will be disrespecting you shortly.
Oh crap, this isn’t what I ordered… who has my foot-long sub?
The great thing about playing the bagpipes is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
Alcohol because no great conversation ever started over a salad !
ME: I think human cloning is a big mistake
ALSO ME: ok wow, I’m right here
Kidney stones? Hard pass
Wife: We need to talk
Me, absolutely panicking: What
Wife: We need to start buying the big jars of peanut butter
I let my 5 year old talk me into playing kickball-basketball, so now I’ve got to explain this bloody nose to my wife.
There’s no song for those of us who want to throw our hands up in the air and wave ‘em like we have a great deal of concern.
(dumping an old couch in the ocean) i am creating an artificial reef, to act as a fish habitat
Dog shampoo was on sale & cheaper than my normal shampoo so it looks like I’m going to have a shiny, healthy coat for the next few weeks.