As a mom, I’m super excited about the rock collection my daughter just told me she’s starting.
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God *creates a worm* hello little buddy!
Worm: Thanks for the “worm” welcome haha
God *creates birds*
Driving to work, and I just reached down to touch my leg to make sure I have pants on.
Since they added those little mirrors on the ATM, I now get to see what having insufficient funds looks like on my face.
People will think you know what you’re talking about if you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses.
North and South
Your birth certificate is your very first participation trophy.
Does this dress make me look cat?
All I’m saying is that just once it’d be nice for the cat to be the one pointing the laser for me to chase.
[concert venue]
Manager: Start the fog machine!
Me: *gulps* Fog?
*hundreds of frogs start falling on crowd
“How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you are?”🤔
[Job interview]
Me: I can always anticipate what people are going to say next
Interviewer: And what would you say is your greatest streng- oh holy shit
WIFE: How’s the ventriloquism going?
ME: Not good.
WIFE: But I got you that Ventriloquism For Dummies book.
ME: I don’t think he read it.
Being 5’2”, when I’m going up for a high five, most people just lean in for a handshake.
My parent trap worked perfectly. I now have five parents.
exec: any ideas for new kids shows
writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster
exec: nice. what else?
writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite
exec: love it. any more?
writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun
Thank god my mom keeps forwarding emails on how best to clean and what foods to stock during the pandemic. I haven’t eaten or bathed since I left her house 19 years ago.
I’m wildly unpopular in dessert circles for my hot hollandaise ice cream sundaes.
“Plagiarism Squad reporting for duty.” / “Copy that.”
Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”
I’ve never struggled with depression, we’ve always gotten along together.
Am sitting in horrible traffic, but fortunately someone is beeping their horn so we should be on the move soon.
My wife just got the bar tab and yelled “Oh my god.” That can’t be good.
It’s been a weird day so I’m shaving my eyebrows off.
[in someone else’s master bathroom]
5-year-old: They have two sinks.
Me: Yeah.
5: One for each hand.
facebook is down where are we gonna keep all of our faces
Maybe I only need some intents and purposes.
just took a call from a patient whose bday was 04/20/1969 and had him repeat it to me 3 times
Husband: It’s nice but we’re looking for something bigger
Me, a realtor: Absolutely
Wife: And not a bounce house
Me: *bouncing more softly* How do you mean
Creator of Etch A Sketch:
We’ll show people drawing murals in the commercial but in reality most people will only be able to draw stairs.
I bet when Hello Kitty finally grows up she’ll be called Hey Pussy.