Just looked at a beautiful pink sunset and thought, “God I love London”, then remembered there is a sky everywhere and I’m paying half my salary to sleep 2 feet from my drying clothes
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HR: Did you call an employee stupid?
Me: No, I asked if he knew he was stupid.
Dear parents who line up 45 minutes early in the school pick-up line,
I don’t understand.
Establish dominance on Halloween by eating your neighbor’s jack-o-lanterns.
Whenever I get mad at my husband, I go unravel all of his extension cords.
I can’t lose weight, that’s where all my fattitude is
Been married so long it’s almost like a first date. Husband is always wondering if he’s even gonna make it to 1st base.
the guy who keeps stealing my packages is really gonna love my latest order, “giant beehive (1 count)”
I hate saying “I told you so” so I’m just going to spray-paint it on your car.
I’d like you to meet my family, my wife Sharon, my son Carl, and this balloon that follows me around
If you die on the toilet, you die in real life.
I’m white but not ‘sleep in front of a store to save $30 on a television’ white.
Did you click the three dots? Yeah, I clicked the three dots. Okay under the three dots you should see- sorry, what? Oh yes, on some devices it will be three LINES. So if you could just click the three dots or the three lines- what? Oh yes, sorry, on some devices it’s a tap so if
My kid asked me what day of the week it is and I wish she wouldn’t ask me such hard questions
If you’re not happy single, you won’t be happy in a relationship. True happiness comes from watching a seagull shoplift snacks from a convenience store, not from another person.
What part of watching dogs on skateboard makes YouTube ads think I’m in any position to buy the brand new Lexus?
I have the body of a 21 year old bodybuilder. Can I borrow a shovel?
I’ve honestly never been more disappointed in life than when I found out that the Miami Dolphin football team was made up entirely of people
Sure, I miss the 80s. You know who really misses the 80s? Serial killers. No cameras, no developed forensics, no social media…
Dinner guests: (shifting uncomfortably in their seats)
Now that people have become accustomed to not knowing whether a person is having a phone conversation or just talking to themselves as they walk down the street I find myself doing a lot more public ranting.
Protip: If a party guest says “I don’t dance” what he’s really telling you is “make my drinks stronger please”.
mom: call your grandmother, she sent you a birthday card with $10
me: ok
[later]
me: hey grandma
grandma: hello dear
me: i need more money, this isn’t 1842
everyone calls you Cass and just assumes it’s short for Cassandra, but really your name is Casserole
I wish I was █████████ enough to be redacted.
*me struggling with life*
I guess I should start watching a new show.
Me: can you come in here a second?
Boyfriend: is this gonna be a “fun” talk?
Me: not for you
Superwife! Gets pissed faster than a speeding bullet. More powerful than your longest friendships. Leaps your decisions in a single bound.
The weather forecast should include the percentage of answers blowing in the wind
Is there something I can hang around my neck to show that I’m a big fan of crucifixions?
[deserted Island]
other survivor: we should only use our water for emergencies
me: *waiting on my sponge dinosaurs to expand* obviously
Does France have Mcdonald’s? Because it wouldn’t be fair if we were the only ones dying.