“Paper beats rock, Charles!”
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According to WebMD, given my symptoms, I died 9 years ago.
Nobody can turn an omelet into scrambled eggs quicker than me.
I can’t make everyone happy, I’m not lasagna.
But I can cause heartburn like red sauce.
The irony is that if we had a vaccine against stupid, those who need it most wouldn’t get it.
Just got a coffee at the airport and then remember they have beer and now I’m awake and sad
“Check, please!” – Me, at a restaurant begging the waiter to make sure there are no monsters under the table
The world is my oyster. Too expensive to enjoy every day.
SPOILER ALERT: In the book “What to Expect When You’re Expecting,” it’s a baby. You’re expecting a baby.
My niece just said “Birds live in a birdhouse & we live in a people house!” Cute, huh? Wrong; my niece is 26 & on trial for manslaughter.
Chutes and Ladders except it’s just me pushing you down the steps cause you said you didn’t want any pizza yet you helped yourself anyway
your honor my client would like to plead oopsie daisies
If you unfollowed someone because you were pissed off at them but they apologize you should be able to refollow without them getting a notification and thus realizing that you unfollowed.
No reason
Answer my phone? No thanks.
I’ve seen what happens to Liam Neeson.
When I go jogging, I listen to a portable CD player, so people think I’ve been running for 10 years.
My husband’s solution to us running out of clean cups was to buy more cups. Because not having enough cups was the problem.
Me on my way to find a boyfriend before Valentine’s Day…
I’d like to meet those almond milk farmers. Shake their teeny hands.
HR: Punching colleagues is wrong
Me: But he drank from my mug
HR: That doesn’t allow you to—
M: I’d just filled it with gin
HR: You know alcohol is not permitt—
M: —ger beer…
HR: *high fiving me* Nice save!
*stands at the bottom of the water slide, forcefully baptizing everyone who comes down*
Always keep a dog eared book on your nightstand so that people think you know how to read.
handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
“What character would I like to see throwing up in a parking lot?”
-How I pick my Halloween costume
I accidentally squirted body spray in my mouth and now I speak with an Axe scent.
How come NASA sending their black hole to everyone is “Breaking News,” but me sending mine is an “HR violation?”
i hate daylight savings. it’s gonna take me weeks to stop writing the wrong time on my checks.
My toddler woke up upset because he couldn’t find his glasses, but what really set him off was when I told him he doesn’t even wear glasses.
me: I always get shy around beautiful women
friend: just tell her
cashier: hi
me: *quiet mumbling*
cashier: what?
me: ᴵ ˢᵃⁱᵈ ᵗʰᵉʳᵉ’ˢ ᵃ ᵈᵉᵃᵈ ᵇᵒᵈʸ ⁱⁿ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᵈᵘᵐᵖˢᵗᵉʳ
You sound unhinged. Let’s go get mugshots.
Welcome to college! Here’s a list of our majors. Here’s a list of majors that lead to unemployment. As you can see, both lists are the same.
Gave a stranger my home address to pick something up that I’m selling online so looks like I’m getting dismembered for Christmas.