I like to think I’m smart
Then I miss the chair I just moved into place and end up sitting on the ground
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MOM: sleep tight, don’t let the bedbugs bite 🙂
KID: ok[later]
BEDBUG: arrgh I can’t bite him
OTHER BEDBUG: curses, he is sleeping too tightly
[Inventing Canadians]
Angels: *giggling* omg they’re SO nice!
God: Oh yeah? Check this out. *drops hockey puck*
A girl’s tinder bio said “I would die without food” uh okay me too
[stabucks]
barista: can i get a name?me: sure. you look like a Tiffany
barista: no i mean a name for the order
me: oh! we’ll call this “coffee from Tiffany”
Snape: but my lord, isn’t it more likely that the pure blooded child will have the magical ability to oppose you?
Voldemort: my nemesis isn’t going to be named Longbottom, jfc
I bet i could still be a stuntman
[Breaks a hip getting off the couch]
Okay maybe not
*watches wife take out ice cream
*watches wife scoop ice cream into bowl
*watches wife eat ice cream
Me: SO WHATCHA DOIN’
It’s been a terrible year for burglars
I once dated a guy who left a trail of rose petals leading to a sinkful of dirty dishes.
I’ve just been wearing a towel for 5 days so everyone thinks I showered.
The robot uprising is upon us. Humanity is decimated. Broken bodies rot in the streets while black smoke fills the sky. Terror and fear are all we know; hope is a forgotten dream.
On the bright side, the AI typos are hilarious.
Racism is alive and well. I entered a plane and a white lady started freaking out. I laughed so hard my grenades fell out of my pocket.
It’s possible to suck at everything if you put your mouth to it.
Instagram: My life is a party.
Snapchat: My life is a quirky tv show
Facebook: My life turned out great!
Twitter: We’re all going to die.
So what does everyone do with their dryer lint
Never realized how out of shape I was until I started sweating after using scissors for 30 seconds.
WIFE: get down here!
ME: *from telephone wire* I’m with my friends
WIFE: why are u wearing fake wings?
ME: *to bird next to me* they’re real
I always wanted to be on Family Feud but there were never 5 people in my family speaking to each other at one time.
I need a device that connects to other cars Bluetooth so I can yell “WHY CAN’T YOU DRIVE” through their speakers
Jesus: so just a dinner with the boys?
Judas:
I saw all your OJ jokes yesterday and they absolutely killed me
[first date]
me: so, what’s your biggest fear?
her: snakes. i hate snakes
me: (whispering to the mongoose in my vest pocket): she’s the one
“When I tell you that it’s time to get out of the pool, it means that it’s time to get out of the pool.”
There’s an expiration date on this bottle of Bailey’s lmao
Oh no Baby Hitler is trending did he die or something
Excuse me lady, either your baby is crying or your tea is ready…regardless, fix that shit.
Dracula’s wife: You’ve got a little smudge on your chin.
Dracula: Vhere? Here?
Dracula’s wife: No, a little to the left.
Dracula: Here?
Dracula’s wife: No, a bit to the right. You know what? Just go look in the mi..
Dracula: LOOK INTO WHAT, MARTHA??
Sometimes I feel so bad about not being perfect but then I remember people who expect you to be perfect all the time are exhausting and then I scratch my armpits like a monkey.
Can a paleontologist explain to me why dimetrodons were so infatuated w/ yelling at the ocean?
The devil on my left shoulder says “eat the cheese”
The worse devil on my right says “eat the entire pizza”