[carnival]
ME: How do I win?
CARNIE: Just knock all the bottles off the table
ME: Ok *pulling out my cat*
CARNIE: Oh shi-
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I’m going to the gym. If you don’t hear from me again…I died.
Me: wow. Your room is a mess
4: you can clean it
Me: but you made the mess
4: I know you can do it
Me: I’d love some help
4: you’ve got this, Mama
I thought I was a decent driver, but while I was driving my 7-year-old comforted her crying baby sister by saying, “Don’t worry. You’ll get used to it.”
Pigeon 1: I really have to go to the toilet mate.
Pigeon 2: Wait a litle dude..i want same thing but we really have to find a really clean car…
I hate when you let your hostages outside to play on the trampoline, and then they just sit there and don’t even jump or have fun.
DENTIST: let’s get started, shall we? *places drill on tray*
ME: um
D: *places giant needle on tray*
ME: uhhhhh
D: *places handgun on tray*
If your teens are arguing about the best way to cut sandwiches while holding super sharp knives, it’s a good time to remind them that you can only afford college for one anyway.
Me: I’m having a heart attack
My brother: I’ll get the defibrillator
Me (grabbing his arm): no, get it now
This year I have a few special people on my list that will get expired gift cards wrapped up with tons of glitter.
I have yet again allowed myself to get one year older. Thinking about doing it at least one more time.
Me: I just want to go on vacation where the food is cheap, there are no kids, and no other people
Husband: So send the kids to your parents for a week and stay home?
Me: Perfect
Pigeon: the distance a pig travels in one eon
Celery is depressing green water wafers.
me: “i don’t appreciate being laughed at”
seaworld employee: “sir that’s just the noise dolphins make”
A priest, a minster, and a rabbit walk into a bar. The rabbit says, “I think I’m a typo.”
Sometimes people disagree with you and they’re like: “Read a book!” But like…any book? They can’t ALL prove your point.
English: i before e, except after c.
Science: Ummmm, No.
on week two of rinsing out an empty jar of peanut butter for recycling, almost there
Apparently Bird Box is not a KFC $5 fill up. I know this now…
Last night, I fell asleep with one of those new e-cigarettes in my mouth.I woke up half an hour later and my whole house was on the internet
You can’t fix everything, you’re not a giant asteroid.
I’m supposed to be afraid of you because you are a twitter badass? What are you going to do, caps lock me?
A fun way to get exercise is grab a chainsaw and chase a hiker.
Interviewer: what makes you qualified for the janitor position?
Me: I used to be on the curling team in college.
Kids eat free today? Nice… In that case, I’ll have a water and my son will have the steak and shrimp combo with a kids bud light.
Almost nailed it! 😂🤣
M: HEY, DID YOU REMEMBER CONDOMS?
H: FFS, use your inside voice
M: *whispers* did you remember condoms?
H: can this wait til after mass?
After my honeymoon, my ex apparently felt like a new man… and so did I.
“What kind of dog do you have?”
“Half Boxer, 1/4 Poodle, 1/8 Tibetan Mastiff, 1/8 Catahoula Leopard Dog”
“And what kind of cat?”
“Orange”