I’m sorry but I CANNOT believe that the verified Nickelodeon TikTok posted this
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Cat Burglar (noun)
: a burglar who is adept at entering and leaving the burglarized place without attracting notice
🐈⬛😂🖤
Me: Is there something wrong with your pasta?
4-year-old: It’s not a doughnut.
Tried to signal to my wife across the food court to buy me an extra McNuggets and now I’m in 3 gangs and have to kill someone named “Snake”.
I post ONE gym selfie and everyone’s like “What’s he doing?” and “Where are the weights?” and “Is that a dozen donuts?”
If Kellyanne Conway is right and microwaves spy on us, the CIA has a hell of a lot of data on me reheating coffee then forgetting about it.
Way to go, parents who had to use fraud to get their children into college. Now everyone knows your kids are stupid and will know any time they’re googled. Fine lesson there.
Always a bridesmaid, never a new world-order leader in a post-apocalyptic all-powerful matriarchy. Sigh.
[at an indian restaurant]
me: they’re well known for their gooey naan.
her: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much what’s goin’ on with you?
Adam and Eve were the first people to agree to the Apple terms and conditions without reading them.
Why do people assume I know all about computers just because I’m from India? That makes so I angry I just want to 01010010101010101010101
Saw a Fed Ex driver screaming out the window of his truck “we da real Santa Claus.” New York is the best.
(meeting the queen without knowing who she is)
Well, aren’t you a fancy little lady! Is today your birthday?
GOD: I will send you to Earth to be a martyr.
JESUS: What’s a martyr?
GOD: Not much, what’s a martyr with you?
Me: hey want to go to sushi?
Her: sure! Wait is this a date or just friends?
Me: well I’m down for a date if you are
Her: I only want to be friends
Me [putting away my special bedazzled, date chopsticks]: haha sounds fair cool cool cool
2016 has been pretty bad but at least girls stopped drawing mustaches on their index fingers and holding them under their noses.
If you see someone wearing camouflage, make sure to walk right into them so they know it’s working.
Next on Fox News, men on women’s issues, white men on black issues, rich men discuss the poor and straight men talk about gays.
Gets 5 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired
Gets 8 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired and I’m late for work
My kid is going on an overnight class trip and I told Jenny’s mom I was so excited and she was like “but then we can’t wait for them to get back” and then my face did a funny thing and my fingers accidentally deleted Jenny’s Mom from my phone
The reason that there are so many tweets about cats is that people with dogs go outside.
She said she didn’t want me to touch her with a ten foot pole. I said ma’am I’m flattered but it’s not that long.
My sensitive skin moisturizer is sulking again
The British sentence that is never complete:
“Excuse me, can I just… thanks”
Therapist: Alright, let’s start at the beginning
Me: *Sighs* I guess it all really started when I wasn’t born a centaur
I just responded to a text message with: I can’t hear you, you’re breaking up
Accepting water from a salesperson is a sign of weakness. *faints from dehydration*
*put cooked chicken in oven*
*offer to cook date dinner*
*put raw chicken in oven*
*immediately pull out cooked chicken*
*keep eye contact*
My youngest just brought me a bagful of her baby teeth and is demanding answers.
Sometimes I lie and tell my husband I spent $300 at Costco so he’ll stop talking to me.
burglar: [sits up in bed] did you hear that
wife: [sits up] oh my god
husband: [sits up] why are you in our bed
burglar’s wife: [walks in] you son of a bitch