“Guests, like fish, begin to smell after three days.”
That’s why I keep everyone who comes to visit in the freezer.
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My mental health is as reliable as a flashlight in a horror film
Imagine if food was sports
No time to talk I have bacon tryouts today.
Feeling pretty tough lately and thinking about joining a gang. Any of you guys need an accountant?
You can’t hurt me. You’re not my mouth full of ice water after chewing mint gum
INFURIATING COLLEAGUE: Morning people!
ME: Morning…you look good…
IC: Thanks, I feel good!
ME: So much for Voodoo.
IC: What?
ME: What?
Him: You smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: Just a bit of Ham & Cheese Hot Pocket.
“Oh my god Harvey, you have GOT to see this bathroom.”
Wow, you forget to buy beer a few days in a row and suddenly your husband is offering to do the grocery shopping, my plan is working, guys.
*shoots self in the foot and screams in agony for 20 seconds*
*hits ‘stop recording’ on outgoing voicemail message*
MY NECK. MY BACK. MY PJ’S AND MY SNACK.
If I ever want to keep a secret from a man, I’ll put it in the fridge. They can’t find anything in there.
*holding a hose*
Husband: What are you doing?
Me: I’m spraying anyone who steps on our property.
Husband: Isn’t your family coming over?
Me: *grins* In 7 minutes.
Living with my 6-year-old is like living with a firing squad, only it’s questions instead of bullets.
i couldn’t remember the word “counting” so i told my friend to “do the number alphabet.”
Chocolate: You’re a little emotional.
Ice cream: It’s gonna be okay.
Grilled cheese: I’m here for you.
Whiskey: Everything’s FINE
Tequila: LET’S WATCH THE HALLMARK CHANNEL
sorry i’m late, i have terrible time management skills and zero perception of distance as it pertains to speed of travel
*tumbles down basement stairs, laundry flying everywhere*
Me: *whispers through pain* parkour…
*brings laser pointer to the “Cats” movie*
I wrote “except zombies” on my welcome mat so I know I’ll be safe during a zombie apocalypse.
Incredible news from my son’s school as he informs me he knows a 5 year old named Alan.
[wife checking on me and the kids]
Hello
“I called the house, you didn’t answer.”
I went out.
“Ok. Well how have they been?”
How’s who been?
I’m not stressed
the correct way to spell “hats” is HATS because it’s all caps
The guy blaring the self help CD at the red light in the rusted car with no bumpers wasn’t amused when I said, “I don’t think it’s working”
[interview]
Boss: Your CV says eggs, milk, bread
Me: That’s right
[cut to supermarket]
Wife: Excuse me, where are the attention to details?
If you think I’m annoying, give it some time. You’ll know for sure pretty soon.
Me: excuse me, but I can’t taste the alcohol
Clerk: all smoothies are non alcoholic here.
Me: YOU SHOULDN’T CALL YOURSELF A BAR THEN!
Toy story 2 has yet to explain how a stuffed horse kept pace with a commercial aircraft taking off on a runway
If I start learning from my mistakes how will anyone recognize me ?
do you think the guy who designed hand grenades really hated pineapples, or really loved them?