I love how every airline is like “not to brag, but we actually clean the planes now.”
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When a millenial asks why everyone in old photos have red eyes I tell them they were too young to remember the great demon uprising of the 1980s.
Texted Mom a question & she didn’t answer right away. I’m going to send 4 more texts & 3 voicemails to give her a taste of her own medicine.
I love when a pig looks like a disguised quest giving god
ME [first time on-air as a weather man]: don’t go outside unless you want your hair to look like you just shot off the fence at Jurassic Park
Superman and Batman probably had a lot of “capes in the toilet water” accidents when they went to take a dump.
Occam’s razor: the simplest answer is most often correct
Occam’s toothbrush: show off
The difference between HOA & HORTA is one’s a lava monster that will melt your face & the other’s from Star Trek.
Death: I’m coming for you.
Me: Oh, no thank you, I’m not interested.
Death: Lol, k.
Death: A lot of other people want me to come for them.
Death: You’re not even that hot.
me: can i get some ketchup?
waiter: sir, this is a 3 michelin star restaurant
me: my apologies. may i please have some crème de tomato a la heinz
The 4 stages after getting dumped…
1) Waiting cuz u thinks it’s temporary.
2) Throwing in the towel.
3) Getting a cat.
4) Revenge.
“Baby, you know I’m drunk.”
Cop: “I need you step out of the vehicle.”
barber: your hair is so dry
pavlov: i forgot to condition it
Saying “sounds good” is probably the nicest way to abruptly end a conversation.
I have this problem where I keep buying stuffed animals for my anxiety but then my grandparents steal them
[Mother’s Day text to my wife]
Don’t let the kids know I sent this but do you know where we keep the powdered sugar and band-aids?
“Our relationship is nice because we can sit silently and still have fun.” – cool thing to say to the person in bathroom stall next to you.
Day 7: My dogs and I switched roles and I’m the one following them around the house now.
Teen: Your brows are on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your FACE is on fleek.
Teen: Thanks!
Me: God damn it.
I burn more calories begging, cajoling and pleading with my kids to get dressed for our hike and get out the door than I will on any actual hike
“Are you sure you want to close 58 tabs?” no I’m not sure what if I need this tracking information for a package that was delivered last week
Yelp is a fun game where you try to guess between whether a restaurant is bad or a reviewer is crazy.
Forget my browser history, when I finally pass from this earth, please delete my calculator history because it’s waaaay more embarrassing
This fall on Fox:
X-Files Babies.
Baby Skully and Baby Mulder meet at a petting zoo when they both get knocked over by the same goat.
Gym trainer: are you looking to lose weight or increase cardio and fitness?
Me: I wanna look hot enough so people think I’m a bot
I’ve always wanted to buy 2 coffees, take them to a crime scene & while handing 1 to the officer in charge ask, “So, what do we have here?”
My kid always taking off her shoes like she got abducted mid-step
‘You have a PhD!’ I whisper encouragingly to myself as I creep, terrified, towards the spider [I don’t, but the spider doesn’t know this]
“Draw me like one of your Trash girls”
Why was E the only letter in the alphabet to get a Christmas present?
Because the rest were not-E.
What idiot called it Viagra and not medickation?