“There, there,” I say, resting her head on my shoulder
Surgeon: Sir, we’re going to need that back if we want any hope for reattachment!
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Promises made to get to a toilet is who you really are
processed food was literally designed for you to eat. organic is just some crap they found on the ground somewhere
[yelling at a maple tree] Release your pancake sauce to me you piece of shit
How awkward would it have been for coach if he put in Air Bud and they lost.
Use cauliflower as a substitute for mashed potatoes, rice, and any joy in your life. You have no friends now, there is only cauliflower.
the olympics are held once every 4 years.. hell even im not held that often!!!!!
Me: the pancakes were good but I’m full
Brain: it’s possible you’ll never eat again
Me: more pancakes please
After we got the divorce she let me have everything. Except the jewelry, and of course something to keep it in. I call it “the house”..
Alexa play Metallica…
Alexa play Metallica…
Alexa play Metallica…
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: Trying to get this piece of shit to play some music
Wife: Well 1st off, that’s my coffee thermos you moron…
No one is more productive than a guy who’s been laying on the couch for two hours and suddenly realizes his wife will be home in 5 minutes.
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
Wife: Please don’t tell any of your “jokes” at my work party. You’re gonna look like an idiot.
[later]
Me:
whenever i eat at a restaurant i make sure to sit with my back to the wall facing the door, that way if a dracula comes in i can kill myself before things get too scary
ME (just before the road trip): I can hold it until I get there.
ME (4 hours in):
*Bee lands on flower covered in another flower’s pollen*
FLOWER: What’s that?
BEE: I can explain
F: I don’t want to hear your lies, Ian
dentist: have you been flossing?
me: yes 🙂
dentist: your mouth?
me: no 🙁
Blew my nose…….lost 2 pounds of mucous and got an ab workout.
How to get a woman:
1) find one who sells cars
2) take a test drive
3) just keep drivingShe’s yours now, plus you have a new car.
7: mom look I got my math test back!
me: you got 35 out of 35 that’s 100% im so proud of you!
7: cool, so 35 and 35 is 100?
me: …like I said, said proud…
My boyfriend said it would be nice if once in a while he woke up to breakfast in bed…
I put his bed in the kitchen…
Nothing prepares you for how difficult it is to obtain a loan for a giraffe
So many cheeses would work as baby names:
Brie
Asiago
Monterrey Jack
Goat
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight, spreading goat cheese on a bagel
*gives up being Catholic for Lent*
God: damn it… they’ve found the loophole
After cleaning out the pantry, I realized my kid only likes the idea of cereal.
ME: [building a robot] We’re going to be best friends!
ROBOT: [flies out of window]
ME: Why did I add a propeller
People with house arrest ankle bracelets get so touchy when you compare them to a dog’s invisible fence.
I like how the inventor of the word “though” was done after just 3 letters but just kept going.
Celebrities, they’re just like us, except they drink wine and insult each other from their private island