Sometimes I’ll take such a good picture of someone I’m like “this is definitely making it into the slide show at their funeral.”
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Him: I gave up drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
Me: I gave up.
Drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
*suddenly pulls away from kissing* BUT WHERE DOES THE STORK GET THE BABY FROM?!?
Interviewer: Describe your current position.
Me [from my wheelchair]: Seated.
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Nope, payday isn’t until Thursday.
I heard a photographer was killed in a freak accident when a large wheel of cheddar landed on her.
To be fair, the people who were being photographed did try to warn her.
Boss: What’s your five-year goal?
Me: Paid administrative leave.
me: our son was just arrested for a violent crime
wife: omg battery?
me: about 90% but focus
I took my birthday off of all my social media accounts to see who remembered it. So I got messages from my mother-in-law, the place that does my colonoscopy, and the bank.🤣
ME: Cauliflower is bullshit.
EXECUTIONER: Those are really gonna be your last words?
found this sweet little abandoned chocolate lab at the park today
“Fidget toys” is just a term used by folks who got tired of folks yelling at them to stop flipping their goddamn keys.
Me: If there was a fire and you could only save me or the cat, who would you save?
Her:
Me:
Her: I feel like you’ve had a good run.
-Wouldn’t it be nice, if we changed who’s the center of attention every 10 minutes, everybody could benefit
-Sir, this is a funeral
Why do *I* gotta dress for success? Maybe success could be the one who puts a little more into this relationship
There is a natural phenomenon going on in my house. It seems I’m the only one who sees the trash piling up. It’s quite astounding.
I blink one eye at a time because flying squirrels can attack at any moment.
What I was supposed to teach my kid before kindergarten:
1) phonics
2) writing
3) mathWhat I actually taught her:
1) the dance to Thriller
My 4yo is crying because she has outgrown her clothes during quarantine.
Same girl, same.
If I was rich I’d have two hedge mazes. One from which there can be no escape. And one for more lighthearted affairs and casual mazing.
toothpaste is a big scam. if ur tooth falls out, it stays out. toothpaste Will Not paste it back in.
If you listen carefully you can hear the sound of raindrops sighing. Really, you can hear almost anything if you’re high enough.
Asking for a donation like Wikipedia every time someone asks me a question
So how do you stop eating the endless breadsticks at Olive Garden does the restaurant close or are you supposed to bring a spotter with you?
When you don’t even acknowledge I held a door open for you, I want to pull you back inside by your neck, and say “now let’s try this again.”
[does jerk off motion for 2 hours] and that concludes the hearing impaired translation of the presidential debate. all of them. god bless
Once I get my tourettes under control, it’s over for you twitches
I believe:
– I can fly.
– Children are the future.
– Knowledge is power.
– I will use my powers to defeat the future children.
God gives everyone a hot cousin to test us.
I forgot the word boiling and just called it angry water, i have no idea how i graduated college
We need a grocery store aisle for 4-year-olds’ unreasonable requests:
– Chicken nuggets but with fish (NOT fish sticks, are you insane?)
– Cold hot chocolate, but the marshmallows still melt
– Crackers with fewer crumbs (ok, that one’s for the parents, but still)