student loan “forgiveness?” so you admit. student loans are a sin.
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*spins in chair* Ah, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expect- *cat sitting in my lap freaks out and scratches the shit out of me*
Friend: wanna do a Boston marathon with me?
Me: is that on Netflix?
“He sure seems like a nice young man” is Grandma-speak for “I’d totally hit that.”
Me: *looking at pics* Cute! What breed is it? Looks like a Puggle
Co-worker: It’s my daughter
Me: Yeah, they feel like family, don’t they?
Han: *approaches Endor in a shuttle*
Imperial officer: What’s the password?
Han: It’s “password.”
Vader: We should really change that.
Her: You are a good looking guy
My brain: She likes you don’t make this weird
My mouth: You too
My brain: He shoots and hits a baby in the upper bleachers
11-year-old: We had a standardized test all morning.
Me: What was it testing?
11: My patience.
Twitter 2013: “Come and see what fun things your favourite celebrities are up to!”
Twitter 2023: “Your old favourite celebrities are now convinced lizard people are trying to take away your car and replace them with genders”
Ratatouille is my favorite movie based on a true story.
you can tell the new mad max movie takes place in a lawless post apocalyptic hellscape because not one person used their blinker
Be the reason someone prefers the company of animals.
My great grandmother used say that things were better in Russia before the revolution, but I think she was being Tsarcastic.
Jason: Honey?
Wife: Mmmm?
Jason: Where is my hockey mask?
W: I washed it. It’s next to your machete
J: Hon, that’s my work mask. If it’s all shiny clean and smells like Gain it just kinda loses something when I’m stalking camp councillors
I’m a man of conviction, but no jail time.
It’s not a coincidence that we use the term “committed” to refer to both relationships and a stay at a mental institution
How to kill a text thread in 6 letters: Hahaha
[planning bank heist]
leader: we need a fall guy
me: [walks in wearing a flannel and carrying a pumpkin spiced latte]
leader: he’s perfect
If you spotted a white guy with headphones throwing gang signs on the subway today, that was just me listening to the soundtrack of Frozen
What if the Daleks start eating an apple a day
I post ONE gym selfie and everyone’s like “What’s he doing?” and “Where are the weights?” and “Is that a dozen donuts?”
During love scenes in a Wes Anderson movie, the sound effects guy rubs a baguette against corduroy.
[graduation]
…and I owe it all to my mom, and my late dad *sheds tear*
[crowd cries]
*dad walks in holding starbucks*
“traffic, my bad”
You’re 25, please stop saying back in the day.
[filing for legal name change]
Judge: and what’s the reason for the request?
Me: I was owned pretty badly on line
Judge: *removes glasses and squints* oh my god are you the guy that thought bears were fat dogs
The neighbours that overlook my garden must be religious. They’re always buying me pants with notes saying ‘for the love of God please wear these’.
I need to find just the perfect men’s swimsuit and then only ever wear it twice annually
[zombie apocalypse]
Me: *fending off my group from trying to kill me* again guys, I’m not a zombie, this is just what I look like without make up
[at a job fair]
Me: Where’s the ferris wheel?
*wakes up in the belly of a whale*
me: this can’t be happening again
morgan freeman: but it was, he was in the belly of a whale again
When you text “Hugs” to someone and autocorrect decides what they really need is a lesson in particle physics and changes it to “Higgs”.