Copied tweets with higher no. of RTs remind me of tht incident when Charlie Chaplin entered a Charlie Chaplin look-alike contest n came 3rd.
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[Mom]: My son’s voice is changing
[Dr.]: Thats normal at his age
[Mom]: This is normal?
*fax machine noises are coming from the kid’s mouth*
Always a bit depressed when I pass my ex’s house and see that it still hasn’t burned to the ground.
Ran into my ex on the street. He’s got a hot wife & 2 kids. I have a taco in my hand. And one in my purse. And an emergency taco in my coat.
Math teacher; suppose you have five friends
Me:
16 zombie actors injured on movie set. Saddly no one noticed for 3 hours.
me: I’d wait a lifetime for you
also me: 5 seconds till I can skip the add ? that’s some bullshit right there
4yo: Mommy? Mommy? Mommy? MOMMY? MOMMY? MOMMY?
Me, a Dad: Yeah???
4: …
4: MOMMY!!!
It’s funny how Twitter dropped the egg avi and now people are using apps to smooth out their faces so much, they all look like eggs.
38% of being a dad is sitting in a car looking at your watch and waiting for everybody else to come out
People are always telling me I look like Hagrid from Harry Potter. I’ve never seen the movies, but she must be a beautiful gal.
The yogurt was so far back in the cooler at the store, I almost ended up in an Aha video.
Squeak, squeak, squeak!
[Riding carousel]
Her: um, we should move on
Me: *drunkenly trying to feed horse sugar packets* hold on, he just needs to get used to me.
[picking out a washing machine]
how many watermelons can this hold?
“uhh I dunno, 11?”
only 11?
*keeps walking to next one*
how many waterme
wife’s still mad that I responded to the priest after he said our wedding vows with “agree to disagree”
“Are you really 43?”
Me: “who lies about being 43?”
My friend is trying to quit his addiction to marathons. He’s in a 55,000 step program.
“Want a treat?”
“Is it medicine?”
“It’s peanut butter.”
“Is it medicine?”
“You love peanut butter!”
“ANSWER THE QUESTION, DOUG.”
A “Purge” comedy where two pals accidentally kill someone a week before the purge and try to fake the person’s life until the murder would be legal.
[FIRST DAY AS A LAWYER]
Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.
Witness: I do.
Me: How do I look in these pants?
my friend got banned from this bar so she waited like a year and started going back everyday like nothing happened and the other day the bar tender looked at her and was like “you look so much like this crazy girl we had to ban a while back”
Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”
Somehow I missed my turn into my driveway and ended up at the pub few blocks over
me: *holding bowling ball*
friend: going bowling?
me: nope— playing enormous marbles
the most semi-awesome vegetable is the rad-ish
Brother?
My finances would be a lot better if ATMs would ask me what I need the money for and then look at me disapprovingly before giving me half.
Apparently there’s enough room in my mouth to put more than one foot.
My 6yr old says she’s going to stay up until the New Year, NO MATTER WHAT. She just asked if it was midnight yet, it’s 7:05.
Years and years of periods are how women got so good at cleaning up after murders.
And I’ve said too much.