Grocery guy here with a reminder…
You don’t “un-thaw” things from the freezer. You “thaw” them. Un-thaw would be freezing it😒
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*Googles: How to fake your own death and erase existence before 9am monday morning.
Verizon: we don’t plan to murder anyone
America: so it’s ok if we keep murder illegal then
Verizon:
Verizon: no
Me, on phone: I’m too scared of sharks to go to the beach
Friend: But sharks kill less people per year than- *thud*
Me: … Than what?
Friend:
Me: Hello?
Voice on other end: Moo.
They should make a sister store to “Forever 21” called “So Now You’re 35” where you can buy sensible pants and soft sweaters & take naps.
I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I have used a condiment from my parents’ fridge without checking the expiration date
Cross a mobster in the streets. Horse’s head in the sheets.
Some of my friends have really unattractive children and I don’t say a word I just carry this heavy cross
every tall woman, looking at tall fashion models: okay, but where does she REALLY buy pants?
Wife: Ooh, did you already brush your teeth?!
Me, hiding my 7th Mint Julep: Yesh.
ME: my mouth is all itchy
HER: were you in the attic again?
ME: you mean my Free Cotton Candy Room?
HER: I’ll speed dial poison control
BREAKING NEWS …. Lisa on Facebook is so done with this week and now she is headed to Chili’s for some much needed margaritas with the gals ….
Toasters must work on some exponential scale. Two minutes barely toasted. Ten more seconds burned beyond recognition.
Them: Just act casual
Me:
DORA: “Swiper, no swiping!”
SWIPER: “oh, man”
*Wealthier fox shows up, swipes everything*
DORA: “That’s OK, it’ll trickle down”
Pretty sure I just heard a grown man wrestle a bear in a bathroom stall at Chipotle.
it’ll be another 20 years before vampires can go to the bank again
Pretty much the most frightening part of my day is when I get a notification that my mother has tagged me in a post on Facebook.
him: I wish you’d talk more during sex.
me: Okay.[during sex]
me: cats have 32 muscles in each ear
him: please don’t speak
“I hate being single,” she lied, lounging in her king-sized bed all to herself
My boyfriend said he wanted me to wear my sexy undies when we went out!
Cop: just put your clothes back on, you’re scaring the people at poundland
Most fears fill us with doubt and “what ifs” that imprison us. The more you do to get out of your comfort zone, the more fear will subside. In life, do what scares you, and you’ll grow and succeed!
📸: @blessingmanifesting
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
I’m a disaster playing scrabble with the kids. I know all these disgusting words.
It’s your fault.
If I reach 700 followers, I’m gonna tweet naked for the next hour. Won’t do much for you guys, but it’ll certainly liven up Starbucks.
In English, a double negative forms a positive. in some languages, like Russian, a double negative is still a negative. In no language in the world can a double positive form a negative.
yeah…. right…
I consider anything that doesn’t fit in the dishwasher to be for one time use.
My daughter said she hates Jon Bon Jovi’s voice and now I’m wondering who switched my baby at the hospital
CEO: We need to come up with a brand name for these sticks of bread.
Guy who named the meatball: *takes deep breath
You: Hold my beer.
Me: *drinks it because I’m not a table*