Nothing tests the marriage bond like being stranded in an airport with kids.
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people should stop trying to drive the biggest cars and start trying to drive the goofiest shaped cars. i want to drive a car in the shape of a pizza slice
Our nephew told us his rap name was Roast Beef, and until my last breath on earth, I’m gonna remind him of this as much as possible.
A horror movie but it’s just a married couple trying to work from home and one of them is chewing
JOSEPH: who did you name me after?
ME: you were named after my grandfather
GREGGNOG: what about me dad?
“We’re not so different, you and I,” Mitt Romney said to a stack of white printer paper.
I can’t find my ceremonial porcupine.
you: weird flex but ok
an intellectual: odd gloat but understandable nonetheless
me, a genius: peculiar boast but alas
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
i know how hard it must have been for my parents to tell me there was no santa because i just had to tell my parents there’s no jesus
BF: I’m hungry. Wanna go out to eat?
GF: I look like hell. We can’t go out to eat.
BF: You look good enough to go to Waffle House.
GF: [eyes narrow]
Probably not a coincidence that Janice from Facebook posted her green bean casserole recipe and Facebook lost $150 billion in market value.
Someone accused me of being a coke addict and I was like oh my gosh thank you for thinking I have money
“How often do you exercise?”
About 3 to 4 times a week.
“Be honest.”
2003.
My neighbor is mowing his lawn.
There is snow on the ground.
[locks doors]
A survival horror where Mr. & Mrs. Potato Head blunder into a Five Guys
Writing a letter to Santa challenging him to a duel and then just standing next to my chimney with a sword all night on Christmas Eve
*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
This guy next to me thinks I’m flirting, but really I’m just trying to see where he parks so I can steal his gas
My husband got a notification that “there’s a familiar face” at the door.
It was the Amazon delivery guy, y’all.
Boss: In what ways have you grown or matured in the year you have been here?
Me, glancing at the hidden notebook detailing my 36 point revenge plot against another department: By learning how to let things go
Women I sleep with get so weird when I ask them to sign the guestbook.
Me: Why’d my bill go up?
AT&T: u got rid of ur land-line
M: But it should cost less if I have fewer services.
AT&T: And we threw in a donkey
M: I don’t want a donkey.
AT&T: Donkey removal is an extra $50
So uh… what level of jumaji are we on today?
When a fancy lady told me she was from an upscale neighborhood, I stared at her, mouth agape and said, ‘Oh shit! I’m so sorry. Are you okay?’ She didn’t like that at all.
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
My idea of a 5 course meal is pizza with 4 toppings
My kid is going on an overnight class trip and I told Jenny’s mom I was so excited and she was like “but then we can’t wait for them to get back” and then my face did a funny thing and my fingers accidentally deleted Jenny’s Mom from my phone
meeting the person who is training you at a new job is exactly like when a baby duck imprints on its mother. following them around clueless as shit. someone else will be like hey can you send this email and it’s like no i’m not sure i can. i’ve never done that without jeremy
How to be a Canadian:
1) Love hockey
2) Use good manners
3) Drink Tim Hortons
4) Live in a igloo
5) Hunt moose with stick
HUSBAND: Do we have any cake toppers?
ME: Yes, it’s called frosting.